Fed up

Feel so down. Feeling very tearful tonight and can't shake it. I wish my mum was here to talk to because you're never too old to need your mum. There's no other person quite like her and my mum was amazing. Superwoman. How she coped with us six girls I don't know. She's a better woman than I will ever be. The thought of not being able to go to her when things get tough is awful because she should still be here. Or if there's ever any happy news, I can't share it with her, at least, not in the way I used to. Nothing is the same anymore, my whole world's been permanently changed and it's so hard. Don't ask me how I'm getting through each day because I don't know. All I know is that I'm merely existing, getting through each day as they come. Somehow. I think I'm still in denial somewhat, it helps me get through the days, I can rarely fully acknowledge the full extent of my loss. I wish it was me that had gone and not my mum. Frustrates me that it wasn't that way round, my mum was a fighter, she wanted to live, and now, well, she is here but in a different form. I want her back how she was though. So I can hug her, kiss her, go out together. This world is a horrible cruel place to be!

Christmas is here

And I've been dreading it. It's not the same without mum, its lost any excitement that I may have once had for it. Nothing is the same anymore, end of. Meaning has been lost to pretty much everything. I should not be going down the cemetery to give you your card, it's unthinkable but yet, it is my reality. How did that happen? The huge void inside of me will always be there, forever and ever. Just want my mum back so bad. Can't wait for Xmas to be done with. Missing you more than you could ever imagine, mum, and I love you so much xxx

Hurts so bad

Really feeling your loss tonight mum. I can't handle this pain. It's Kaila's school dance performance tonight and we went to her last one, this time last year, together. Now I'm going alone. Without you and it hurts so bad. How on earth am I to withstand this pain? How on earth did you cope when you lost your mum? And your dad? It's only now I can appreciate the depth of your pain when you lost them, now I've lost you. I can't believe I'm writing those words, I shouldn't have to because you should be here! I thought losing nan & grandad was bad enough, never knew grief could hit this hard. I want to feel you around me. I want to see you. I want you back! Nothing is the same anymore. We are all falling apart without you so you need to come back! Please come back, I can't bear it. I can't even see if I'm writing properly through the tears that keep falling! I want you back so bad, please, I'm a mess. I love you so much! X

Sad

I miss you mum. I feel like I want to be at work all the time just so I can cope, to be busy doing something at all times. Not to avoid facing up to my reality, but just to cope. Maybe I am still in denial and it's my coping mechanism but know that you are on my mind every day no matter where I am. As Christmas approaches, and everyone around me make plans with their loved ones, it's becoming increasingly harder to deal with my pain. I want you! I want you here for Christmas, you should have been here! You were taken far too early and I can't believe you're not going to be here. It's just too much for my mind to cope with. I feel like I have to build a very high barrier within my mind to keep back the growing sadness and frustration from overwhelming me. I knew it would be hard losing you, very hard, but nothing could have prepared me for the huge hole inside of me. I want you back so bad. I fking hate the thought of living the rest of my life without you. How do I do that? Is it even possible? I don't know. I know that my love for you is stronger than ever though. You still influence me even though you're not here in person anymore. I know you're around us still xxx

Bad night

I say bad night, but was it really? It's not bad to grieve your nearest and dearest. Maybe wrong choice of words. However, last night, the last hour of it was hard. I felt my loss so raw like it was only yesterday I lost my beloved mum. I still can't believe it has happened. I cried and cried and felt like I'd never stop. It hurts so bad. Am I really never going to see my mum again? Ever? How is that even possible? I can't imagine it. But I'm living it. How? Life is the hard part for the living when they have lost someone so close. I'd give anything, anything, for it to have been me to have gone that night, not my mum. I can't handle the loss. Don't know how to get through it but I do know one thing, one day we shall be reunited xxx

Dreaming

Last night I had a dream about my darling mum. She was alive, poorly, but alive. I miss her so much, nothing just isn't the same anymore. My family has rifts in it already and we're just all falling apart without our mum here.
My dream kind of mirrored mum's life towards the end of it, it was quite similar. Was it my mum entering my subconscious? I think so. I know my mum is still around us and whilst I take comfort from that, it doesn't take away this awful deep ache inside of me wishing she was here in person as she was before. Alive. I know I mess up mum, probably regularly, but I hope I don't mess up too much. I'm struggling. Still. I always will, how could I not? You're my mum & as long as you're not here it's never going to be right. I love you xxx

Missing you

You're all I think about mum. Sure I have times when I'm distracted and have a load on, usually at work, but my whole day is mainly filled with thoughts of you, wishing you were here. If I ever look like I'm coping on the outside, then know that on the inside I'm not. I know you don't want me feeling so messed up but I know you understand, you were, and remain to be, an amazing woman and words cannot do justice to how privileged and proud I feel to have you as my mum. I'll never be as good a person as you, you set the bar very, very high but I hope I am someone you can be proud of too. I know I slip up, maybe quite often but know that I am aware of my faults and some I can maybe strive to change and some that I can't but I'm not a bad person, just human. Every time I write to you it breaks my heart, for I shouldn't have to be doing it, not in this way, you still had a long, long time to go but some horrible, awful powers that be took that from you and for that I hate them, I hate them so much! I know it's not good to have so much hatred within me but I can't help it. They took you from me when I wasn't ready to lose you and you wasn't ready to go either. I love you so, so much. You are and always will be a big part of my life. Please always remember that. I really don't want to be here without you, it's awful. I'd rather have gone than lose you. I feel so cheated. Why, why did it have to be you? Out of all the murderers, rapists, pedophiles... why did they take you over them??? Why? I'm so sorry mum. You deserved better. I love you xxx

My mum

Hit video on my phone a while ago & all my videos I'd taken all came up. Scrolled through and come across a few with my mum in them. Really hard and sad to watch but I got to hear her voice again. How I miss listening to mum talking about anything and everything,just to hear her voice. Reality kicks you when you least expect it. I still operate in denial just to get through each day. It hasn't really happened. It can't have happened. How could it? Something that big? I couldn't bear it. I can't bear it. I never knew grief could cut so deep. So many factors make my mum's passing worse than it should be. Mind, losing your precious mum will always leave a bottomless pit of grief and sadness no matter the circumstances. But my mum should have had at least another 20 years! If God exists, why, why did you take my mum? It is not possible that you need her more than I do! I love you mum, I think about you every single day and I always wish it was me that had gone and not you, you wanted life, you didn't want to die. Yet, a mess up like me gets ignored, for now. I will be with you one day mum, I look forward to that. If I can't have you in life then I shall be with you again in death.

Feeling lost

How can life carry on when the person who gave you life and was your life, has passed on? I am merely existing with no purpose anymore. I miss my mum more and more each day and the frustration of knowing that nothing is going to bring her back is more than I can bear. I wish I had gone instead. Or at least, have gone with her. Even now I wonder if we did enough. Did we not fight for life as much as we should have? Should we have not taken the Drs at their word and fought for further action? It torments me so much. I'd give anything to go back and change things. When I did voice my opinion, I got shouted down by nearly everyone and I felt I was being unreasonable insisting more be done but I wish I had. The guilt I carry is awful and the fact I never took mum's hospital bag to the hospital when she had asked me to leaves me with even more guilt. I bet she was thinking that I didn't bring it up because I knew she was going to pass on but after the call from the hospital I just rushed up there but it wouldn't have taken long to have grabbed her bag, it would have given my mum some comfort, that she will need it. But no, I didn't take it and I arrived at the hospital empty handed. I'm so sorry mum. You asked for it straight away and u felt awful. Did I think you were going to pass on? Is that why I didn't take it? I can't bear it.
I'm never going to hear your voice again. Never going to cook you a meal, or ask about your health, make you coffee, take you shopping, go bingo, all of what we used to do. It's so hard. My only consolation is that I will be with you again one day in hopefully the not too distant future. I don't like life anymore.

Life just isn't the same

I miss my mum so much. This gaping hole inside of me is going to stay with me forever. It can never be filled because the only person that can fill it is my mum and obviously that's not possible. I hate this world so much. It's so cruel and hard. Since when did good people deserve to pass on early? Again, I ask you, what did my mum ever do? My mum is going to miss out on so much. Any family gatherings are going to be horrible because the most important person won't be there. Not in physical form anyway. I really don't know how to deal with my loss.

Hitting home

Today has really hit home the enormity of my loss today, of my precious mum. The best you could ever hope to have. Driving past the chemo unit was like a punch right in the stomach for she should still be having her chemo. I then visited my mum's place of rest & that was it, my heart just broke into a million pieces again and the pain was as deep and raw as ever. How am I supposed to live with this? Why did God take my mum? Why couldn't he have taken me he had to have taken someone? Or better still, someone that had done wrong, like, say, a murderer, someone that deserved to go! What did my mum ever do? What did she do? Why was she taken? Why? I need to know. She can't have been taken for no reason at all, there must be a reason, for her to be taken for no reason at all makes her passing even more cruel. Please someone, anyone, tell me why my mum was taken. I can't handle this pain. Some days I cope by denying everything just to get by but sooner or later it all comes crashing down on me like it did at the cemetery today. Walking towards my mum at the cemetery. Cemetery. Why? Why is she there? I want my mum back. Don't care about anything else I just want her back!

Busy

Been trying to keep busy to stop myself from thinking too much. Now though I feel like I've pushed my mum away but I really haven't. I'm willing her presence right now and I'm sure I feel her. My mum will always be with me, no matter where I am. Lately, I've been trying to block everything out just so that I can get through the day but I know this won't last forever and nor do I want it to. The enormity of my loss is simply too much for my brain to get round so for the most part it still doesn't feel real. I don't want to accept what has happened, I want things to go back to how they were. Life means nothing anymore.

Anxious

I'm in a really dark mood tonight. Feel so on edge that something really bad is going to happen. It started last night and is still going. It was stronger last night than tonight; tonight I feel generally more anxious and jittery, like there is something fizzy running through my veins across my whole body. I wish it would let up because it feels like a precursor to a huge mood swing. I go crazy when I have those, how I haven't been locked up yet I don't know.
Having serious relationship problems with my boyfriend, if indeed, he still is. I feel so alone and he can't even be bothered to come be with me, yet, he's happy enough spending plenty of time with his frickin' neighbour. What has to happen in my life for him to put me first? The worst thing in my life has now happened to me so obviously nothing will make him act as a caring partner.
I am not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I'm falling apart but no one can see it. By time they do, it will probably be too late.

Missing my mum

I miss my mum so much. Why was she taken from me? I wish I could rewind a few years back to when my darling mum was cancer free & for my mum to live her life as she should have done! She was such a good person and she had to put up with so much. Evil people live longer! What is with that?! Why take my mum when there are people out there that actually deserve to die?! My mum didn't deserve it. She deserved better, far better! I hate this horrible cold world. It's nothing without my mum in it. To think if I lived another 20 years it's 20 years without my mum, I can't do it.

Falling apart

I would give anything to have you back here mum. I'm sorry for the fall out between me and one of your other daughters, and I'm also sorry if I spoke out of turn but I'm struggling. I don't want to know a world without you in it. I know you would want your six girls to remain tightly knit but there are issues still going on from when you were here and I feel you're being let down. Not just by them but by me too and that's the bit I really care about, my behaviour. Others can worry about theirs but I can only worry about mine and I'm sorry that there is now a rift. We're letting you down and I'm so sorry. I'm falling apart. I want you back so so bad. I hope you are with nan and grandad, that they are once again looking after you, I too one day soon will be joining you. That much I can guarantee xxx

I miss you mum

I miss you so much. I've been having familiarity pangs today, like I do most days but today I've had more than usual. Picking out birthday cards was horrible knowing you no longer can. I want time to stop. You passed on way too early and there was still so much more for you to explore. Time just carries on. It stops for nothing. It creates more distance between having you here and then not having you here and I don't like it. No matter how much time passes, it won't ever take away this huge hole I now have inside of me. We're all going to Janene's tomorrow and part of me doesn't want to, I usually only went with you. How am I going to carry on without you? It's all so wrong. I get so angry. I just want to lash out at everyone and everything. But no matter what I do, it's not going to change reality and then I feel even worse. I truly am just existing, living each day without meaning anymore. I want to be with you again xxx

Hi mum

Just want to say hello to my mum, the most amazing woman to have walked this earth. I know you can hear me. I think about you all the time, be it at work, home, family...your family. Tearing up just writing this. I miss you so much, life just isn't the same without you. I have that knitting pattern and wool I bought you, I'm giving it a go. Wish it was you doing it, not me, it's supposed to be you doing it. I know you must be guiding me somehow with it because I'm doing not too bad a job so far. This is so hard, being without you, in the way you used to be. I've never cried so much. I am so lost without my mum. I love you so much xxx

Flowers

Today I put flowers on nan and grandad's places of rest. I also laid some on your spot, mum. It felt so wrong. Taking flowers up for you. Usually it's me and you working as a team to get nan and grandad's flowers sitting right in their urns. It was so hard taking your flowers, I shouldn't have to be doing that, you should be here. Words cannot even come close to describing how heartbreaking it was. I can't wait to be with you again, you're my everything and I can't live without you. I'm trying, reluctantly, but I just can't do it and nor do I want to. How am I supposed to go on without you? How? My world has been shattered and it would be an impossible task piecing all the bits together again so I'm not even going to try. I'll carry on existing, for now, but know that I shall be reunited with you again soon. I'm not strong enough to endure this pain so please don't be angry with me. We all have to go at some time and everything here is such a struggle I may as well be with you again and be happy. I love you so much xxx

Tough few days

And many, many more to come. I feel so lost without my mum. Today I went to the cemetery to remove the flowers that had travelled with her in the hearse and all I could do was cry. It's all wrong. I keep having moments where I turn round to call my mum to tell her something but then I come to. I realise I can't. Not in the same way that I used to. I talk aloud so my mum can hear me and I know she does hear me  but I just miss her so much. I can't believe it's happened, she was taken away far too soon, we wasn't ready, my mum wasn't ready. Why why why? Why did she get taken from us? I don't want to know a life without my mum. It's just not do-able. One day, one day...

Miss you

Missing my mum so much. Still can't believe this enormous loss has happened.  My heart breaks over and over and I don't know how I'm managing to get through each day. Keep thinking there was more that could have been done but no matter how many scenarios I go through, it's not going to change anything, they won't bring my mum back and I get so angry. At times, I'm at a total loss at how to deal with all the high emotions going through me and I can't cope. I want my mum so bad. How can she not be here? I know she's here in a different form but how or why was she taken from me? What did my mum ever do? Other than be a devoted mother? Why why fking why?! I can't handle this pain. I'm going to join my mum one day soon, I can't see any other way, my life is nothing now.

Emotions

Yesterday I simply felt numb. Well, other than a few wobbly moments that is. I just feel empty, as if I'm a shell with nothing inside. I remember I had two days like this not so long ago and on the third day, I lost it. I think my sanity temporarily left me, I was in unbearable pain. In my head, I don't know how the world is carrying on as if nothing happened, people carrying on with their daily lives yet my one has been shredded. It's as if I'm just awaiting the day now to join my mum. She was such a big part of my life and still is. I still look to her for guidance, I still talk to her no matter where I am. No one or anything in this world can take that away from me.

Another horrid day

Well that's it. No longer have mum's home. No longer will I ever be able to go there again. How I wish my mum was still here, sitting in her chair doing her knitting whilst watching some show on TV. Or see her at a bus stop waiting to go up town or bingo. Or go to Cambridge to visit my youngest sister with her. Or call her to talk about any troubles I may be going through and just wanting to talk to mum. Or go round hers to check she's eaten that day and to ask what she wants for dinner when she was poorly.
I don't think I can feel any more alone. Even with five sisters. I feel stronger when I'm with them, I take comfort from them but when I'm not, it's a whole different story. I was so lucky to have had the mum I had. And still have - just in a different way. But I want her back properly, I would sacrifice anything. I'd even give my life if it would bring my mum back, I just want her to be alive. How do you even go on from something like this? Every day, I question how I'm still here, alive, living, rather; existing. How am I still walking this earth when my mum, my mum, is gone. Physically. How? I feel like my life should have ended by now. I can't imagine a future without my mum in it. Every single day is so, so hard.

Last full day at my mum's

Today is my last day at my mum's. After tomorrow, I can no longer be at her home. This is harder  to deal with than I thought it would be. I've neglected my own home to be at mum's, sorting through her possessions and now that has all been done. How I'm still here is beyond me. I don't know what to do with myself. I am fighting a huge wave of grief from swallowing me up, I don't want to feel any deeper pain than what I already am. Don't even know how it's even possible for this pain to get any bigger. How do other people cope when they lose someone really, really close to them? My mum was my everything. I want her back so bad. I miss you so, so much mum. I'm not doing too well without you, I need you here. You weren't ready to pass on and we weren't ready either, it was such a shock and I don't know how I'm going to go on without you. For now, I'm just trying to keep on keeping on but I'm not living, merely existing. My life is so bleak without you. I know you're here in other ways I know you are but I want you back properly. You're my mum. I love you so, so much xxx

Nothing is the same

Life continues to be unbearable. I don't even know how I'm existing without my mum. I don't want to. I want to be with the darling woman who gave birth to me, brought me up and continued to be there for me when I hit adulthood.
Why is the world so cruel. Why take my mum so early. I miss her so much. My head is just a mess and I don't even know how I'm functioning. Losing my mum has made me so angry. And helpless. And all the rest of it. Could we have saved her? I think things may have gone a different way if only we'd tried harder. Did we let our mum down? What could we have done differently? I hate going down that road as it will only bring more heartache but it keeps haunting me. Maybe she could still be here. I can't deal with it! It's all too much and one day soon, I'm going to join my mum. I can't see any other way out. This pain is far, far too great to endure and I'm not strong enough.

Feeling separated

Today I have been operating like nothing has happened. How is that even possible? I think I've gone into major denial. The thought of my lovely mum not being here is just too big a loss to handle. It's not real. I have been keeping busy and I don't want to stop because then the thoughts come along. But they come along anyway but my mind dismisses them. I feel like I have a huge rock in front of me, impossible to climb due to its vast size. I can't get anywhere near over it so I just don't try. I ignore it as I can't conquer it. That rock is the equivalent of my loss. I know it's there but I don't want to see it. I can't get over something so great. I don't even know how I'm still here. Existing. Without my mum. How am I doing that? How? In my mind it just doesn't compute. Mum, I miss you so much. Life just isn't the same without you. So many things I turn to tell you but a split second later I realise I can't. At least not in person, in the flesh. How do I go on without you? I feel empty. My life isn't worth living anymore. I don't want any part of this world if you're not in it. You mean so much to me and I love you more than you could ever know xxx

Feeling cheated

Feeling so cheated having my mum taken away from me. My mum was a good person, through and through. Why was she taken? Why take my mum days before she was due to start chemo??? Why? She was 63. Too young to pass on. There are evil monsters in this world who live til their 80s or 90s, who have committed unspeakable acts on fellow human beings yet it's my mum that is taken? Why? Where is the reasoning behind that? Someone please tell me.
I'm fighting back a huge wave of anger, frustration, sadness, desperation, unfairness inside of me. It threatens to overwhelm me and I don't know where it would take me. Could I survive such an onslaught of extreme emotions? Yet, I know its coming. It creeps ever closer and I'm scared. I already feel all of those emotions and more but so far I have been able to ride them out each time they hit. Just. Will I ever feel 'normal' again? Do I even want to? No. How can I ever feel normal again with such a huge hole inside of me. There is a part of me that died that horrible night. Life will never be the same again. My mum going through those last moments, passing on, makes my heart break into a million pieces and I can't do anything about it. Was there anything that could have been done that hadn't been done? Why was my mum not put in ICU? I dare not travel that road too far, it can bring only more heartache. If that's even possible.
I love you mum. Words simply cannot express just how much. Nothing can describe something so big. Know that I know you are there, around us, your girls.

Cotton wool

Today has been a strange one. It's as if my head is full of cotton wool, every time I think of my gorgeous mum the sadness is blocked. Well, the deep sadness. It's there, but trapped behind a barrier. Almost like my brain has just shut off because it can't take the overwhelming feelings of sadness, anger at losing you, frustration...you name it. I torture myself most days for not taking my mum's hospital bag up the hospital as she had asked me to. When she asked me if I had her bag, I said no. I didn't tell her that I had rushed up the hospital as the Dr's had said she wasn't doing too well. I wish I'd gotten it. I wish I had. Or even if I hadn't, I wish I'd lied and just said that yes, I have your bag with all your overnight bits inside. For them few moments, you would have felt comforted by having your bag there, that you would need it the following day. But I didn't take your bag. I just went straight to the hospital. How I regret that. I let you down. Turned out you didn't need your bag because you passed away later that evening and my heart breaks. I feel so guilty. Maybe, if I'd have taken your overnight things, it would have given you some sort of will to fight that horrible infection. Maybe you thought I didn't bring it because I thought you weren't going to make it through the night, that just tears me apart. I feel so very guilty. Did I think that? I don't know. I'm so sorry. I miss you so much mum, you were my life. I'm lost without you. How do I carry on without you? I can't carry on without you. Someone please put me out of my misery. I want to be with my mum.

Sad

Feeling overwhelmingly sad. I have things I want to talk to my mum about but I can't. Not in the traditional sense. Why are good people taken before the bad? Why is that? How messed up is this world? Why do evil, vile cretins live long healthy lives yet the life of my mother was taken away? I can't stand this. How do you go on? I don't want to go on. I just want to be with my mum.

Struggling

Struggling so bad today with losing my mum. My mind still won't fully accept it so how come it still hurts so bad? I feel so helpless, frustrated, sad, down. I can't do anything. I can't do anything to change it, to bring my mum back. I want her back so bad!

Service

Today, we said goodbye to our mother. Only, there are no goodbyes, only 'til we meet again. Meanwhile, I know my mum is still with us, I feel her. I know she is there. The pain I feel inside will not lessen, I will somehow learn to live with it. Time cannot heal such a huge hole, it simply isn't possible. If I had one wish, just one, it would be that the Powers That Be had taken me. Not my mum. My mum didn't want to die, she was afraid of it and I can't bear the thought of her going through it, it is more than I can humanly bear. How do I go on? What point is there? One day, in the not too distant future, I shall be reunited with her. One day. I hope my mum is proud of all her girls tonight, we gave it our all. I know she is feeling proud of us tonight, after all  we are her girls. Love you mum xxx

Miss my mum

I never knew pain could cut so deep. I feel so cheated. My mum should still be here, she went way before her time. Somehow, it still feels unreal, despite all the pain. It's like it's happening to someone else, not really happening to me. My poor mum had everything to live for, she was doing excellent but the powers that be decided to take her from me. I hate them for that. My mum was a good woman, she'd do anything for anyone. She was everything that I strive to be. Did my mum know she was going to pass away? Was she in tremendous pain? Could she have foreseen that horrible day? My heart is broken. Why did they not take me? Why take my beautiful mum? I don't want any part of this horrible vicious world!

Awful times

Words simply cannot convey how I am feeling right now. I lost my beautiful mother recently and I can't see how I am going to get through this. My mind, even now, cannot seem to comprehend the enormous loss I have suffered. How do people get through this? How is it even possible? And why was my mum cruelly ripped away from this world? Leaving a wake of devastation behind her. How do we operate? My mum's life was cut short and I cannot get my head around this. It cuts deeper than u ever imagined and I am living my worst nightmare. All I can think is that if He had to take anyone, out of everyone He could have taken, why was it not me? It should have been me. I'm not strong enough to take this pain, I can't function without my mum, the woman who gave birth to me. Today is her birthday, she would have been 64. I don't know what to do with myself. What do I do? Where do I go? How do I go on? What if I can't go on, what will become of my family? So many questions but not any answers. I just want to be with my mum.

Boo

Just found out Abbey View Lodges in Leiston is a no go :( really wanted to take my mum this year. Apparently it's contracted out booooo! If you've ever been there then you would feel my pain!