Fed up

Feel so down. Feeling very tearful tonight and can't shake it. I wish my mum was here to talk to because you're never too old to need your mum. There's no other person quite like her and my mum was amazing. Superwoman. How she coped with us six girls I don't know. She's a better woman than I will ever be. The thought of not being able to go to her when things get tough is awful because she should still be here. Or if there's ever any happy news, I can't share it with her, at least, not in the way I used to. Nothing is the same anymore, my whole world's been permanently changed and it's so hard. Don't ask me how I'm getting through each day because I don't know. All I know is that I'm merely existing, getting through each day as they come. Somehow. I think I'm still in denial somewhat, it helps me get through the days, I can rarely fully acknowledge the full extent of my loss. I wish it was me that had gone and not my mum. Frustrates me that it wasn't that way round, my mum was a fighter, she wanted to live, and now, well, she is here but in a different form. I want her back how she was though. So I can hug her, kiss her, go out together. This world is a horrible cruel place to be!