Missing you

You're all I think about mum. Sure I have times when I'm distracted and have a load on, usually at work, but my whole day is mainly filled with thoughts of you, wishing you were here. If I ever look like I'm coping on the outside, then know that on the inside I'm not. I know you don't want me feeling so messed up but I know you understand, you were, and remain to be, an amazing woman and words cannot do justice to how privileged and proud I feel to have you as my mum. I'll never be as good a person as you, you set the bar very, very high but I hope I am someone you can be proud of too. I know I slip up, maybe quite often but know that I am aware of my faults and some I can maybe strive to change and some that I can't but I'm not a bad person, just human. Every time I write to you it breaks my heart, for I shouldn't have to be doing it, not in this way, you still had a long, long time to go but some horrible, awful powers that be took that from you and for that I hate them, I hate them so much! I know it's not good to have so much hatred within me but I can't help it. They took you from me when I wasn't ready to lose you and you wasn't ready to go either. I love you so, so much. You are and always will be a big part of my life. Please always remember that. I really don't want to be here without you, it's awful. I'd rather have gone than lose you. I feel so cheated. Why, why did it have to be you? Out of all the murderers, rapists, pedophiles... why did they take you over them??? Why? I'm so sorry mum. You deserved better. I love you xxx