Cotton wool

Today has been a strange one. It's as if my head is full of cotton wool, every time I think of my gorgeous mum the sadness is blocked. Well, the deep sadness. It's there, but trapped behind a barrier. Almost like my brain has just shut off because it can't take the overwhelming feelings of sadness, anger at losing you, frustration...you name it. I torture myself most days for not taking my mum's hospital bag up the hospital as she had asked me to. When she asked me if I had her bag, I said no. I didn't tell her that I had rushed up the hospital as the Dr's had said she wasn't doing too well. I wish I'd gotten it. I wish I had. Or even if I hadn't, I wish I'd lied and just said that yes, I have your bag with all your overnight bits inside. For them few moments, you would have felt comforted by having your bag there, that you would need it the following day. But I didn't take your bag. I just went straight to the hospital. How I regret that. I let you down. Turned out you didn't need your bag because you passed away later that evening and my heart breaks. I feel so guilty. Maybe, if I'd have taken your overnight things, it would have given you some sort of will to fight that horrible infection. Maybe you thought I didn't bring it because I thought you weren't going to make it through the night, that just tears me apart. I feel so very guilty. Did I think that? I don't know. I'm so sorry. I miss you so much mum, you were my life. I'm lost without you. How do I carry on without you? I can't carry on without you. Someone please put me out of my misery. I want to be with my mum.