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Don't know what to do with myself. I feel like stopping all the medication I'm on and get my nerve back to end my miserable existence. I can't function as I am. I want my mum. I need my mum. I need to tell her how bad I'm coping and how bad my moods are. With my mum listening to me, it would help. Dr has altered my medication and messed me up. I'm so angry. I can't let the smallest of things drop. I go on, and on and on, until I've hurt all those around me with my vicious words. I am a horrible, spiteful, cruel person. This is not how I want to be but I can't stop it. Things go round and round in my mind and this inability to stop myself reacting in extreme ways is driving me crazy. Literally, crazy. I'm a failure, a total failure and I don't like myself. I wish upon wish that I was taken instead of my mum, the wrong person went, it should have been me. How I wish it had been me. Hopefully, I will get my release one day soon and be done with this shit and be back with my mum. I love you mum. I know you'd be kicking my arse right now, but you have to remember I'm nowhere near as strong or as beautiful a person as you. I love you xxx

Been a while..

...since I last wrote but not a day goes by where I don't think of my beautiful mum. Have had some really hard days, unbearable. To say I miss my mum is a huge understatement. I can't believe she has gone, it's just too big a thing for me to take in. I feel like it hasn't really happened, that any time now I'm going to see my mum. How do you get your head round losing your mum? You can't. I can't. I don't think I ever will. Living in denial is infinitely easier than letting the truth slip through, which, from time to time, almost does. My mind just goes fuzzy when I try to think hard about who I have lost, the strongest woman I know who I was blessed with as my mum. I love you mum. I hope you like your flowers I laid for you last week xxx

Awful day

It's my sister's wedding  today and I'm sat at home with a coffee and a cigarette. Feel so messed up. I love my sister dearly and can't tell you how much I am regretting not being there for my sister's big day, it's never going to happen again. I thought, after losing my beloved mum, life might ease up a little bit but it doesn't. It just carries on bringing bad karma. Why? All us girls should have been brought together after our devastating loss but it's done the opposite. We're all falling out and it is breaking our mum's heart. I just hope the rifts aren't irreparable. I know for my part it's my messed up head causing me to act in a way I normally wouldn't, I don't know how to stop it. I want my family to go back to how we were, where nothing could divide us. I never, ever in a million years thought we would split like we have, didn't think it ever possible and now that we are divided, it's shattered a lifelong belief and I struggle to deal with that. Feel extremely sad and gutted. Regardless, I hope my sister has an amazing day.

Bad day

Bad few days rather. Even weeks. Feel totally consumed with the loss of my mum. Truth be known, if something suspicious shows up on my chest x ray I feel a lil bit contented in that I'll be back with my mum again. I simply cannot say, or write, how much I miss her. Her last few hours keep playing over and over in my head and the grief cuts deep. Been looking at the few photos I have left of my mum on my phone and it all feels like it was only yesterday. I don't know how you're supposed to go on after such a loss. She should still be here, with her family, enjoying the little things in life. She was a fighter and I know no one else who even comes close to being as strong as my mum was. I can't take this pain, it torments me daily and I need to somehow learn to deal with it or just carry on like I am and hope one day soon I will be back with my mum. Maybe this cancer scare will be the start of that, who knows! My mum would kick my arse for talking like this but that's the difference between me and my mum, she's strong and I'm weak. I'm so proud to have the mum I have. Love you always forever and ever xxx

Fed up

Feel so down last couple of days, can't snap out of it. Things keep going wrong and I keep asking when is enough enough. When will all the bad shit end. Will there even be an end, I don't think so. Seems some people sail through life with plenty of good shit between the bad but me, it's the opposite. When will I be allowed a period longer than a fortnight without any bad shit happening? Even when I do things by the book bad shit still keeps happening. Waiting on my x ray results is stressful, just want to know if everything is clear. Other shit on my mind too and the biggest thing I'm struggling with is the loss of my mum. I feel so cheated. This world is fked up. It's my sister's wedding tomorrow and I'm not going, it's all so fked. Ever since mum passed away everything has gone to shit. How do you deal with such a loss? You can't. Maybe one day, in the distant future, other things might back off but not gonna hold my breath.

Sad

Hello mum. Missing you so much. Feels so raw. The depth of your loss continues to build and I don't know what to do with myself half the time, I just want you back so bad. I know you're looking down on all your family and you will know I'm worried about my chest x ray results. I don't know why. I don't think I have cancer but because the Dr brought it up yesterday it still plays on my mind. Just can't wait to get the results back so that whatever is wrong can be sorted out. I'm thinking chest infection.
I'm going to come and lay some flowers Saturday. It's so hard going to your resting place. You're not there I know, you're a free spirit, looking down on us all but still, it's nice to have somewhere to go to give you flowers. I hope nan and grandad are looking after you, I miss them too.
Not a day goes past where I don't think of you, I hope you know that. Love you xxx

Need you mum

Miss you so so much mum. The pain is still as raw now as when you first passed away. I wish we'd have done more, you were a fighter and I wish I'd have spoken up more in that hospital room instead of just going with everyone else. I felt I was wrong to voice what I really wanted to say. All these regrets I have, they cut deep. Like, not taking your overnight bag to you at the hospital. That haunts me. You wanted it. Life is so horrible without you. Just existing. I'm trying to keep busy just to keep sane when really, all I want is to be with you. Don't know how I go on without you. You're my mum.

Miss you mum

Just been reading your text messages on my phone. I wish you was here so much. I can't believe you're gone, I don't think I ever will. It's too big a thing to get my head round. I know one day we will be reunited and that gives me some comfort but it doesn't take away the pain of losing you. I hope you liked all your flowers laid for you on Mother's day, they were beautiful just like you. I am so honoured to have you as my mum, you really are the best. I still look to you for guidance and I know you are there, watching, wishing the best for all your daughters. I love you xxx

Mother's day

Well, happy Mother's day to you mum. Words simply cannot express how big a void is left inside me without you here. I feel so bitter and angry at times with how some evil cruel disease had to take you and when others talk about what they're doing with their mums this Mother's day when I can't makes me want to lash out. It's not fair. I still to this day can't believe you're gone. I have this small knot of frustration, despair and helplessness in the pit of my stomach and it grows bigger and bigger til it threatens to overwhelm me. I don't know how I'm getting through each day but somehow I'm managing but I don't know how. How does one carry on when the person who carried them for nine months, gave birth to them and then raised them is no longer here? I don't know. I love you forever and always mum XxxxxxxxX

Nerves

Been suffering with my nerves for so long now that I don't know how I get through each day. Nobody actually knows how bad I am, I cover it up with jokes and acting 'normal' when really, what I feel inside contradicts what I display on the outside. I don't know how to deal with things most the time and I seem to have forgotten what 'normal' feels like. I feel like I'm on some elevated level, a coping mechanism. Hard to explain. Like I'm close to descending into some mad, crazy place where I'm unable to function properly and all my emotions totally overwhelm me. Not that I function too great at the best of times, seem to have lost that ability but every day threatens to send me even lower. I'm being tested. To see how much I can take but the thing is, it won't stop, even when I'm at the point of not being able to take anymore, it will just carry on testing me. I hate being at that point. I don't know what to do with myself and often end up doing something stupid. Can only hope, despite all the months, years I've been struggling, it will all come to an end one day. Whatever 'end' means.

Love you mum

Thinking of you so much mum. I can't adequately express in words how much I miss you. I think I'm operating by denying the extent of my loss because it is too much for me to cope with by facing up to my huge loss. Nothing is the same and nor will it ever be. I feel such sadness, sadness I never knew could hit so deep. Whenever I try to face up to my loss, I get a sense of panic, a feeling of pure helplessness and it feels like a huge wave that's going to swallow me up. I have never cried so much in my life. If only tears could bring you back, if only I could will you back. I hope I'm being a good daughter, I know I mess up sometimes, I know I do, but I'm trying my best. I know you are still here, in a different way, I know you look over us. I feel you. I feel you inside me and I feel you around me. Thank you. I miss you so much and love you forever and ever, nothing can ever take that away xxx

Bad day

Today has been one of the worst days of my life. Obviously it comes nowhere near losing my dear beloved mum, whom I need so very much right now, but as bad days go, this one has got to be near the top 5. I hate that I'm so weak. I wish more than anything I had my mum to talk to. If my mum was looking over me today then I hate knowing I must have caused her so much anguish. I'm sorry mum. I'd swap places with you in a heartbeat and I also know you'd hate me saying that but it's the truth. You had so much to live for. I miss you so much, more than you could ever imagine.
Everyone keeps saying tomorrow is another day and it will be better than this one but it won't change anything, my circumstances remain unchanged. No one understands just how low I am. Makes me feel I can't talk to them because they won't take my feelings seriously. I don't want tomorrow, I want nothing. Just nothing.

Sad

I'm missing my mum so much. I'm really feeling my loss like it was just yesterday. I'd give anything to have her back. I love you mum xxx

Missing you

Missing you so much mum. I go to call you to tell you about things but then realise I can't. I know you hear me talking to you in other ways but I will never get used to not being able to talk to you in person. I miss you as much now as I did three months ago, that will never go away. How can it. It can't. It still doesn't feel real, losing you. Maybe it never will. I miss you more than words can say, you are in my thoughts every single day just like I know you will be with every time passing day. As each day passes, it just brings me closer to being reunited with you. You're my mum. I need my mum. You never stop needing or wanting your mum and I want/need you so bad. It's not the same anymore, we're all falling apart without you. Love you so much xxx

Dreaming

Last night, my beautiful mum spoke to me in my dream. Love my mum so much. I feel comforted this morning. I have been twisting my head that more could have been done and maybe there could have but my mum spoke to me last night, told me that she was too poorly and sooner or later, she was going to have to depart. I feel her. I feel her all around me and it's been a while since I felt that so I'm eternally grateful my mum has made her presence known again. Maybe she has been making her presence known but I just missed the signs. I love you mum xxx

Struggling

Struggling with life in general today. The wrong person went when my mum went. Don't have anyone to talk to. Everyone is too busy arguing with the next person. I wish I could just disappear, simply vanish into thin air. Things are rubbish between myself and my partner, family divided and everything else is just falling apart. Why does life continue to throw shit at you when you're already down? Where's the let up? I don't see one. The only one I see is apparently 'selfish'. It's not others having to deal with my struggles day in day out. One day.

Sorry

I'm sorry mum, I haven't been to see your headstone yet, I just can't bring myself to go. I just know I'm going to be a mess. I'm a mess many days and nights without you so I should just go. I promise to go soon, I will take you some beautiful flowers. I shouldn't be doing that. Losing you hasn't got any easier, if anything, it's got harder. I'm not coping great and I'm awful to live with. Your grandkids deserve medals! I am trying though. I still can't comprehend losing you. Nothing is the same anymore. I can't help but feel we could have done more to save you but we didn't. Why not? Why just go on the word of a Dr? They have been known to get things wrong many times and I wish like crazy that me and your other daughters pushed and pushed for more to be done, you could still be here. I have to live with that now, words cannot express how sad and regretful I now feel. I just want you back. I can't wait til we're together again. I really can't. Hopefully in the not too distant future. I love you so much xxxxxxxxx

Sad

Been very up and down last couple of weeks. Just so glad shitty Christmas and new year's is out of the way. Every little thing has been setting me off. None of it means anything without my mum. Very sad going into 2016 when my mum didn't make it. I still don't know how I'm getting by. Life is so fking unfair. It holds true that the good people get taken early because I read every day of atrocities carried out by evil people and they're still here. Why? Surely they are the ones who deserve to die? Why do they live on yet my mum didn't? Someone fking answer me that!! I want to know. I'm gonna end this right here cos I'm not coping too well and I'm just making myself worse. I love you mum xxx