Nerves

Been suffering with my nerves for so long now that I don't know how I get through each day. Nobody actually knows how bad I am, I cover it up with jokes and acting 'normal' when really, what I feel inside contradicts what I display on the outside. I don't know how to deal with things most the time and I seem to have forgotten what 'normal' feels like. I feel like I'm on some elevated level, a coping mechanism. Hard to explain. Like I'm close to descending into some mad, crazy place where I'm unable to function properly and all my emotions totally overwhelm me. Not that I function too great at the best of times, seem to have lost that ability but every day threatens to send me even lower. I'm being tested. To see how much I can take but the thing is, it won't stop, even when I'm at the point of not being able to take anymore, it will just carry on testing me. I hate being at that point. I don't know what to do with myself and often end up doing something stupid. Can only hope, despite all the months, years I've been struggling, it will all come to an end one day. Whatever 'end' means.