Feeling lost

How can life carry on when the person who gave you life and was your life, has passed on? I am merely existing with no purpose anymore. I miss my mum more and more each day and the frustration of knowing that nothing is going to bring her back is more than I can bear. I wish I had gone instead. Or at least, have gone with her. Even now I wonder if we did enough. Did we not fight for life as much as we should have? Should we have not taken the Drs at their word and fought for further action? It torments me so much. I'd give anything to go back and change things. When I did voice my opinion, I got shouted down by nearly everyone and I felt I was being unreasonable insisting more be done but I wish I had. The guilt I carry is awful and the fact I never took mum's hospital bag to the hospital when she had asked me to leaves me with even more guilt. I bet she was thinking that I didn't bring it up because I knew she was going to pass on but after the call from the hospital I just rushed up there but it wouldn't have taken long to have grabbed her bag, it would have given my mum some comfort, that she will need it. But no, I didn't take it and I arrived at the hospital empty handed. I'm so sorry mum. You asked for it straight away and u felt awful. Did I think you were going to pass on? Is that why I didn't take it? I can't bear it.
I'm never going to hear your voice again. Never going to cook you a meal, or ask about your health, make you coffee, take you shopping, go bingo, all of what we used to do. It's so hard. My only consolation is that I will be with you again one day in hopefully the not too distant future. I don't like life anymore.

Life just isn't the same

I miss my mum so much. This gaping hole inside of me is going to stay with me forever. It can never be filled because the only person that can fill it is my mum and obviously that's not possible. I hate this world so much. It's so cruel and hard. Since when did good people deserve to pass on early? Again, I ask you, what did my mum ever do? My mum is going to miss out on so much. Any family gatherings are going to be horrible because the most important person won't be there. Not in physical form anyway. I really don't know how to deal with my loss.

Hitting home

Today has really hit home the enormity of my loss today, of my precious mum. The best you could ever hope to have. Driving past the chemo unit was like a punch right in the stomach for she should still be having her chemo. I then visited my mum's place of rest & that was it, my heart just broke into a million pieces again and the pain was as deep and raw as ever. How am I supposed to live with this? Why did God take my mum? Why couldn't he have taken me he had to have taken someone? Or better still, someone that had done wrong, like, say, a murderer, someone that deserved to go! What did my mum ever do? What did she do? Why was she taken? Why? I need to know. She can't have been taken for no reason at all, there must be a reason, for her to be taken for no reason at all makes her passing even more cruel. Please someone, anyone, tell me why my mum was taken. I can't handle this pain. Some days I cope by denying everything just to get by but sooner or later it all comes crashing down on me like it did at the cemetery today. Walking towards my mum at the cemetery. Cemetery. Why? Why is she there? I want my mum back. Don't care about anything else I just want her back!

Busy

Been trying to keep busy to stop myself from thinking too much. Now though I feel like I've pushed my mum away but I really haven't. I'm willing her presence right now and I'm sure I feel her. My mum will always be with me, no matter where I am. Lately, I've been trying to block everything out just so that I can get through the day but I know this won't last forever and nor do I want it to. The enormity of my loss is simply too much for my brain to get round so for the most part it still doesn't feel real. I don't want to accept what has happened, I want things to go back to how they were. Life means nothing anymore.

Anxious

I'm in a really dark mood tonight. Feel so on edge that something really bad is going to happen. It started last night and is still going. It was stronger last night than tonight; tonight I feel generally more anxious and jittery, like there is something fizzy running through my veins across my whole body. I wish it would let up because it feels like a precursor to a huge mood swing. I go crazy when I have those, how I haven't been locked up yet I don't know.
Having serious relationship problems with my boyfriend, if indeed, he still is. I feel so alone and he can't even be bothered to come be with me, yet, he's happy enough spending plenty of time with his frickin' neighbour. What has to happen in my life for him to put me first? The worst thing in my life has now happened to me so obviously nothing will make him act as a caring partner.
I am not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I'm falling apart but no one can see it. By time they do, it will probably be too late.

Missing my mum

I miss my mum so much. Why was she taken from me? I wish I could rewind a few years back to when my darling mum was cancer free & for my mum to live her life as she should have done! She was such a good person and she had to put up with so much. Evil people live longer! What is with that?! Why take my mum when there are people out there that actually deserve to die?! My mum didn't deserve it. She deserved better, far better! I hate this horrible cold world. It's nothing without my mum in it. To think if I lived another 20 years it's 20 years without my mum, I can't do it.

Falling apart

I would give anything to have you back here mum. I'm sorry for the fall out between me and one of your other daughters, and I'm also sorry if I spoke out of turn but I'm struggling. I don't want to know a world without you in it. I know you would want your six girls to remain tightly knit but there are issues still going on from when you were here and I feel you're being let down. Not just by them but by me too and that's the bit I really care about, my behaviour. Others can worry about theirs but I can only worry about mine and I'm sorry that there is now a rift. We're letting you down and I'm so sorry. I'm falling apart. I want you back so so bad. I hope you are with nan and grandad, that they are once again looking after you, I too one day soon will be joining you. That much I can guarantee xxx

I miss you mum

I miss you so much. I've been having familiarity pangs today, like I do most days but today I've had more than usual. Picking out birthday cards was horrible knowing you no longer can. I want time to stop. You passed on way too early and there was still so much more for you to explore. Time just carries on. It stops for nothing. It creates more distance between having you here and then not having you here and I don't like it. No matter how much time passes, it won't ever take away this huge hole I now have inside of me. We're all going to Janene's tomorrow and part of me doesn't want to, I usually only went with you. How am I going to carry on without you? It's all so wrong. I get so angry. I just want to lash out at everyone and everything. But no matter what I do, it's not going to change reality and then I feel even worse. I truly am just existing, living each day without meaning anymore. I want to be with you again xxx

Hi mum

Just want to say hello to my mum, the most amazing woman to have walked this earth. I know you can hear me. I think about you all the time, be it at work, home, family...your family. Tearing up just writing this. I miss you so much, life just isn't the same without you. I have that knitting pattern and wool I bought you, I'm giving it a go. Wish it was you doing it, not me, it's supposed to be you doing it. I know you must be guiding me somehow with it because I'm doing not too bad a job so far. This is so hard, being without you, in the way you used to be. I've never cried so much. I am so lost without my mum. I love you so much xxx

Flowers

Today I put flowers on nan and grandad's places of rest. I also laid some on your spot, mum. It felt so wrong. Taking flowers up for you. Usually it's me and you working as a team to get nan and grandad's flowers sitting right in their urns. It was so hard taking your flowers, I shouldn't have to be doing that, you should be here. Words cannot even come close to describing how heartbreaking it was. I can't wait to be with you again, you're my everything and I can't live without you. I'm trying, reluctantly, but I just can't do it and nor do I want to. How am I supposed to go on without you? How? My world has been shattered and it would be an impossible task piecing all the bits together again so I'm not even going to try. I'll carry on existing, for now, but know that I shall be reunited with you again soon. I'm not strong enough to endure this pain so please don't be angry with me. We all have to go at some time and everything here is such a struggle I may as well be with you again and be happy. I love you so much xxx

Tough few days

And many, many more to come. I feel so lost without my mum. Today I went to the cemetery to remove the flowers that had travelled with her in the hearse and all I could do was cry. It's all wrong. I keep having moments where I turn round to call my mum to tell her something but then I come to. I realise I can't. Not in the same way that I used to. I talk aloud so my mum can hear me and I know she does hear me  but I just miss her so much. I can't believe it's happened, she was taken away far too soon, we wasn't ready, my mum wasn't ready. Why why why? Why did she get taken from us? I don't want to know a life without my mum. It's just not do-able. One day, one day...

Miss you

Missing my mum so much. Still can't believe this enormous loss has happened.  My heart breaks over and over and I don't know how I'm managing to get through each day. Keep thinking there was more that could have been done but no matter how many scenarios I go through, it's not going to change anything, they won't bring my mum back and I get so angry. At times, I'm at a total loss at how to deal with all the high emotions going through me and I can't cope. I want my mum so bad. How can she not be here? I know she's here in a different form but how or why was she taken from me? What did my mum ever do? Other than be a devoted mother? Why why fking why?! I can't handle this pain. I'm going to join my mum one day soon, I can't see any other way, my life is nothing now.

Emotions

Yesterday I simply felt numb. Well, other than a few wobbly moments that is. I just feel empty, as if I'm a shell with nothing inside. I remember I had two days like this not so long ago and on the third day, I lost it. I think my sanity temporarily left me, I was in unbearable pain. In my head, I don't know how the world is carrying on as if nothing happened, people carrying on with their daily lives yet my one has been shredded. It's as if I'm just awaiting the day now to join my mum. She was such a big part of my life and still is. I still look to her for guidance, I still talk to her no matter where I am. No one or anything in this world can take that away from me.

Another horrid day

Well that's it. No longer have mum's home. No longer will I ever be able to go there again. How I wish my mum was still here, sitting in her chair doing her knitting whilst watching some show on TV. Or see her at a bus stop waiting to go up town or bingo. Or go to Cambridge to visit my youngest sister with her. Or call her to talk about any troubles I may be going through and just wanting to talk to mum. Or go round hers to check she's eaten that day and to ask what she wants for dinner when she was poorly.
I don't think I can feel any more alone. Even with five sisters. I feel stronger when I'm with them, I take comfort from them but when I'm not, it's a whole different story. I was so lucky to have had the mum I had. And still have - just in a different way. But I want her back properly, I would sacrifice anything. I'd even give my life if it would bring my mum back, I just want her to be alive. How do you even go on from something like this? Every day, I question how I'm still here, alive, living, rather; existing. How am I still walking this earth when my mum, my mum, is gone. Physically. How? I feel like my life should have ended by now. I can't imagine a future without my mum in it. Every single day is so, so hard.

Last full day at my mum's

Today is my last day at my mum's. After tomorrow, I can no longer be at her home. This is harder  to deal with than I thought it would be. I've neglected my own home to be at mum's, sorting through her possessions and now that has all been done. How I'm still here is beyond me. I don't know what to do with myself. I am fighting a huge wave of grief from swallowing me up, I don't want to feel any deeper pain than what I already am. Don't even know how it's even possible for this pain to get any bigger. How do other people cope when they lose someone really, really close to them? My mum was my everything. I want her back so bad. I miss you so, so much mum. I'm not doing too well without you, I need you here. You weren't ready to pass on and we weren't ready either, it was such a shock and I don't know how I'm going to go on without you. For now, I'm just trying to keep on keeping on but I'm not living, merely existing. My life is so bleak without you. I know you're here in other ways I know you are but I want you back properly. You're my mum. I love you so, so much xxx

Nothing is the same

Life continues to be unbearable. I don't even know how I'm existing without my mum. I don't want to. I want to be with the darling woman who gave birth to me, brought me up and continued to be there for me when I hit adulthood.
Why is the world so cruel. Why take my mum so early. I miss her so much. My head is just a mess and I don't even know how I'm functioning. Losing my mum has made me so angry. And helpless. And all the rest of it. Could we have saved her? I think things may have gone a different way if only we'd tried harder. Did we let our mum down? What could we have done differently? I hate going down that road as it will only bring more heartache but it keeps haunting me. Maybe she could still be here. I can't deal with it! It's all too much and one day soon, I'm going to join my mum. I can't see any other way out. This pain is far, far too great to endure and I'm not strong enough.