Fed up

Feel so down. Feeling very tearful tonight and can't shake it. I wish my mum was here to talk to because you're never too old to need your mum. There's no other person quite like her and my mum was amazing. Superwoman. How she coped with us six girls I don't know. She's a better woman than I will ever be. The thought of not being able to go to her when things get tough is awful because she should still be here. Or if there's ever any happy news, I can't share it with her, at least, not in the way I used to. Nothing is the same anymore, my whole world's been permanently changed and it's so hard. Don't ask me how I'm getting through each day because I don't know. All I know is that I'm merely existing, getting through each day as they come. Somehow. I think I'm still in denial somewhat, it helps me get through the days, I can rarely fully acknowledge the full extent of my loss. I wish it was me that had gone and not my mum. Frustrates me that it wasn't that way round, my mum was a fighter, she wanted to live, and now, well, she is here but in a different form. I want her back how she was though. So I can hug her, kiss her, go out together. This world is a horrible cruel place to be!

Christmas is here

And I've been dreading it. It's not the same without mum, its lost any excitement that I may have once had for it. Nothing is the same anymore, end of. Meaning has been lost to pretty much everything. I should not be going down the cemetery to give you your card, it's unthinkable but yet, it is my reality. How did that happen? The huge void inside of me will always be there, forever and ever. Just want my mum back so bad. Can't wait for Xmas to be done with. Missing you more than you could ever imagine, mum, and I love you so much xxx

Hurts so bad

Really feeling your loss tonight mum. I can't handle this pain. It's Kaila's school dance performance tonight and we went to her last one, this time last year, together. Now I'm going alone. Without you and it hurts so bad. How on earth am I to withstand this pain? How on earth did you cope when you lost your mum? And your dad? It's only now I can appreciate the depth of your pain when you lost them, now I've lost you. I can't believe I'm writing those words, I shouldn't have to because you should be here! I thought losing nan & grandad was bad enough, never knew grief could hit this hard. I want to feel you around me. I want to see you. I want you back! Nothing is the same anymore. We are all falling apart without you so you need to come back! Please come back, I can't bear it. I can't even see if I'm writing properly through the tears that keep falling! I want you back so bad, please, I'm a mess. I love you so much! X

Sad

I miss you mum. I feel like I want to be at work all the time just so I can cope, to be busy doing something at all times. Not to avoid facing up to my reality, but just to cope. Maybe I am still in denial and it's my coping mechanism but know that you are on my mind every day no matter where I am. As Christmas approaches, and everyone around me make plans with their loved ones, it's becoming increasingly harder to deal with my pain. I want you! I want you here for Christmas, you should have been here! You were taken far too early and I can't believe you're not going to be here. It's just too much for my mind to cope with. I feel like I have to build a very high barrier within my mind to keep back the growing sadness and frustration from overwhelming me. I knew it would be hard losing you, very hard, but nothing could have prepared me for the huge hole inside of me. I want you back so bad. I fking hate the thought of living the rest of my life without you. How do I do that? Is it even possible? I don't know. I know that my love for you is stronger than ever though. You still influence me even though you're not here in person anymore. I know you're around us still xxx

Bad night

I say bad night, but was it really? It's not bad to grieve your nearest and dearest. Maybe wrong choice of words. However, last night, the last hour of it was hard. I felt my loss so raw like it was only yesterday I lost my beloved mum. I still can't believe it has happened. I cried and cried and felt like I'd never stop. It hurts so bad. Am I really never going to see my mum again? Ever? How is that even possible? I can't imagine it. But I'm living it. How? Life is the hard part for the living when they have lost someone so close. I'd give anything, anything, for it to have been me to have gone that night, not my mum. I can't handle the loss. Don't know how to get through it but I do know one thing, one day we shall be reunited xxx

Dreaming

Last night I had a dream about my darling mum. She was alive, poorly, but alive. I miss her so much, nothing just isn't the same anymore. My family has rifts in it already and we're just all falling apart without our mum here.
My dream kind of mirrored mum's life towards the end of it, it was quite similar. Was it my mum entering my subconscious? I think so. I know my mum is still around us and whilst I take comfort from that, it doesn't take away this awful deep ache inside of me wishing she was here in person as she was before. Alive. I know I mess up mum, probably regularly, but I hope I don't mess up too much. I'm struggling. Still. I always will, how could I not? You're my mum & as long as you're not here it's never going to be right. I love you xxx

Missing you

You're all I think about mum. Sure I have times when I'm distracted and have a load on, usually at work, but my whole day is mainly filled with thoughts of you, wishing you were here. If I ever look like I'm coping on the outside, then know that on the inside I'm not. I know you don't want me feeling so messed up but I know you understand, you were, and remain to be, an amazing woman and words cannot do justice to how privileged and proud I feel to have you as my mum. I'll never be as good a person as you, you set the bar very, very high but I hope I am someone you can be proud of too. I know I slip up, maybe quite often but know that I am aware of my faults and some I can maybe strive to change and some that I can't but I'm not a bad person, just human. Every time I write to you it breaks my heart, for I shouldn't have to be doing it, not in this way, you still had a long, long time to go but some horrible, awful powers that be took that from you and for that I hate them, I hate them so much! I know it's not good to have so much hatred within me but I can't help it. They took you from me when I wasn't ready to lose you and you wasn't ready to go either. I love you so, so much. You are and always will be a big part of my life. Please always remember that. I really don't want to be here without you, it's awful. I'd rather have gone than lose you. I feel so cheated. Why, why did it have to be you? Out of all the murderers, rapists, pedophiles... why did they take you over them??? Why? I'm so sorry mum. You deserved better. I love you xxx

My mum

Hit video on my phone a while ago & all my videos I'd taken all came up. Scrolled through and come across a few with my mum in them. Really hard and sad to watch but I got to hear her voice again. How I miss listening to mum talking about anything and everything,just to hear her voice. Reality kicks you when you least expect it. I still operate in denial just to get through each day. It hasn't really happened. It can't have happened. How could it? Something that big? I couldn't bear it. I can't bear it. I never knew grief could cut so deep. So many factors make my mum's passing worse than it should be. Mind, losing your precious mum will always leave a bottomless pit of grief and sadness no matter the circumstances. But my mum should have had at least another 20 years! If God exists, why, why did you take my mum? It is not possible that you need her more than I do! I love you mum, I think about you every single day and I always wish it was me that had gone and not you, you wanted life, you didn't want to die. Yet, a mess up like me gets ignored, for now. I will be with you one day mum, I look forward to that. If I can't have you in life then I shall be with you again in death.