Ways

I wonder if I was to dose up on my meds and lie in a full bath of water if I'd drown without being conscious. I have been thinking of a many number of ways I can end it all with the least amount of distress. Knock myself out whilst in the bath and drown whilst unconscious. I want to cut myself so bad right now but I have to go to work tomorrow and I can't have cuts showing on my arm. Why is this even stopping me? If I wasn't taking my meds I'd have done it with no hesitation, possibly even ended it all by now. I think I should stop taking them, let nature take its course. No more misery, no more being a useless mum to my kids, no more being a let down, no more dragging other people down, no more...anything. To be free of this never ending depression, misery, extreme emotions would be nothing but bliss. I'm not a mum whose kids can be proud of and this is killing me. I was fortunate to have the best mum in the entire world but somehow I can't afford that same privilege to my kids, my mum's grandchildren, it breaks my heart. I know I'm a huge let down, failure, you name it, I'm it. My kids are better off without me before I damage them even more.

Finding ways...

...to end things. I don't quite understand what I mean by 'things'. My mind is in turmoil more times than not and I want it to stop so maybe that is a 'thing'. I am watching Autopsy: The final hours... series. When the coroner goes over toxicology reports my mind jumps a bit and it momentarily makes me feel like there is a way out if only I could get hold of said drugs on the report. It's like my mind is constantly searching for an end to my miserable existence. I don't even think these thoughts deliberately, they just happen. I kind of feel resigned to the fact I'm going to find my life cut short and with it I feel a certain kind of peace but at the same time, I'm somewhat unwilling to let that happen for reasons unknown to me. I don't want to leave my kids and put them through what I'm going through with the loss of my mum but if I write them a letter maybe that will help. Explain things. Tell them to not be sad. I just know I'm not coping too good. I've cut everyone off. I have no one. There is only one way left for me. Other than my kids, I have nothing to live for, I've pushed everyone away.

New perspective

Many times I am consumed with thoughts of how to kill myself. Quick and painless. Maybe I can take the pain, mind over matter, just see it as a superficial thing. One of the lead characters in the book I'm reading cut his arms. Three deep cuts vertically along each arm and just waited. I don't know that I could do that. There would be too much time to think, perhaps regretting making those cuts. I don't know if I want to really die, I just need my life to stop being how it is. I've pushed everyone away, every single person apart from my kids and other than them I have no one. I have cut myself off from everyone and evidently, not one of my five sisters are able to see that I am struggling and may say or do things I do not mean. For the most part, I just block them out, somehow stop myself from feeling anything towards them. I don't want them in my life anymore. As for my father, we are through too. I am on my own and I need to make a fresh start away from everyone. My father is not someone to be proud of. Since my precious darling mum passed, I have faced up to what my father did to my mum and I want my mum here so bad so that I can, for the first time, fully acknowledge what he did to her face to face. I still feel very bitter that my mum was taken, makes no sense, not at all. I want and need her so bad it hurts. My beautiful mum. A mum who gave up lots to solely care for her six girls which I know can't have been easy but that was my mum, she coped, got on with it. I just wish I had an ounce of her strength and determination. Nothing has been the same since my mum passed and nor will be. Ever. My next step is to be with her again. I know my kids will grieve awfully for me but I will leave them a letter each begging them to not spend their lives mourning me, that I want them to be happy and I will forever be looking down on them. I will still be there but in a different way. I know it won't stop their feelings of sadness but even if it was to give a tiny bit of comfort it'll be worth leaving them a letter. I don't know when or how it's going to happen, I just know it will. I just need to condition my mind to not be afraid. There are worse things in life; Living a sad, lonely, pointless existence.

So down

I have felt extremely down today and suicide has crossed my mind a lot. I've pushed everyone away and now I have just my kids. No one else. I love my kids and they're not 'just my kids' but they are literally all I have now. I guess I was right all along, I'm a hard person to like and to be with. No one is there for me. I don't want to carry on like this anymore and all I can think about is putting an end to it all. I don't want my kids burying me and forcing them through the same grief I am going through from burying my dear beloved mum but I can't see any way out of this rut. I'm really not someone worth saving. I have no purpose other than to exist for my kids, to save them from mourning me. I don't even talk anymore. Not unless I have to. Most of the time I just want to be left alone and not utter a single word. I can't see life getting any better. I'm going to die anyway, I have to go through that morbid act so what does it matter if I go through it sooner? At least I'll be out of my misery and back with my mum. Since losing my mum nothing has been the same and nor will it ever be. How can it be? Losing such a huge person in your life will change it forever. I want my mum back so bad. I still even now can't believe she's passed on, I don't think I ever will. I know my mum would be mortified by what I've written in this post and would be doing all she could to stop me acting on this impulse. A few times I have tried to take my life and every single time my mum was at the hospital with me, sitting by my side, showing she cared with her presence. Now, if I fail again, I won't have my mum by my side, she won't be there. I feel so lost without her, I can't imagine my mum not ever being there. If I succeed in leaving this horrid, cruel world then I will be back by mum mum's side and to never leave again.

What a night

What a night tonight has been. So upsetting and stressful. Had a 'to do' with a sister and it's clear we are from different planets. Drink was involved so no doubt this heightened emotions but there's no excusing the fact our father is no one to be proud of. As far as I'm concerned I have no father. Certainly no dad. Dad's don't take out their bitterness on their grandchildren by ignoring their birthdays. For this I cannot forgive him. All I want is my mum. I want her so bad and the feelings of frustration and sadness has been overwhelming tonight. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want to be back with my mum but I know by doing so I will be greatly upsetting my children. They too will have to deal with not having their mum with them. How on earth do people cope when they lose their mum? How does life even go on when your own world stops? I wish I knew the answer.

What to do

Don't know what to do with myself lately. I'm fat, ugly, bloated, you name it, I'm it. Feeling dead to the world. Feeling the loss of my mum acutely. Don't know how to deal with the emotions, just makes me want to be with her more and more. Life is nothing but one long, or not so long for some people, hard cruel bitch. How am I even still here, living, without my mum? I'm starting to have thoughts of ending it all creeping into my mind. I can't see any way out of the rut I'm in. Keep asking myself will this all pass? Not the feelings of grief, they will never pass but will my purpose in life return? Can I get though this and be glad I didn't end it all? I don't know. But with each passing day, the thoughts of ending it all become a bit more real and I'm not sure if I'm going to act on them. I don't want to die but I also don't want my life to just be an existence, if that was the case, I'd rather just die. I wish I could predict the future, to see if it's worth hanging around for. I'm not convinced. Will just try to take each day as it comes and deal with it as well as I can.

Irritable

I hate night times. I dread them. Don't know what to do with myself, it's like I've lost the ability to relax. I wish, for just one night, I could experience what it is like to have my mind free from all thoughts and my body relaxed instead of tense. I feel like I must be doing something all the time and to not stop. I don't know what I can do to change that. Just have to wait for tablets to kick in once I've taken them and get some blessed sleep. The only time I get any release from it.