So down

I have felt extremely down today and suicide has crossed my mind a lot. I've pushed everyone away and now I have just my kids. No one else. I love my kids and they're not 'just my kids' but they are literally all I have now. I guess I was right all along, I'm a hard person to like and to be with. No one is there for me. I don't want to carry on like this anymore and all I can think about is putting an end to it all. I don't want my kids burying me and forcing them through the same grief I am going through from burying my dear beloved mum but I can't see any way out of this rut. I'm really not someone worth saving. I have no purpose other than to exist for my kids, to save them from mourning me. I don't even talk anymore. Not unless I have to. Most of the time I just want to be left alone and not utter a single word. I can't see life getting any better. I'm going to die anyway, I have to go through that morbid act so what does it matter if I go through it sooner? At least I'll be out of my misery and back with my mum. Since losing my mum nothing has been the same and nor will it ever be. How can it be? Losing such a huge person in your life will change it forever. I want my mum back so bad. I still even now can't believe she's passed on, I don't think I ever will. I know my mum would be mortified by what I've written in this post and would be doing all she could to stop me acting on this impulse. A few times I have tried to take my life and every single time my mum was at the hospital with me, sitting by my side, showing she cared with her presence. Now, if I fail again, I won't have my mum by my side, she won't be there. I feel so lost without her, I can't imagine my mum not ever being there. If I succeed in leaving this horrid, cruel world then I will be back by mum mum's side and to never leave again.