Don't know what to do with myself lately. I'm fat, ugly, bloated, you name it, I'm it. Feeling dead to the world. Feeling the loss of my mum acutely. Don't know how to deal with the emotions, just makes me want to be with her more and more. Life is nothing but one long, or not so long for some people, hard cruel bitch. How am I even still here, living, without my mum? I'm starting to have thoughts of ending it all creeping into my mind. I can't see any way out of the rut I'm in. Keep asking myself will this all pass? Not the feelings of grief, they will never pass but will my purpose in life return? Can I get though this and be glad I didn't end it all? I don't know. But with each passing day, the thoughts of ending it all become a bit more real and I'm not sure if I'm going to act on them. I don't want to die but I also don't want my life to just be an existence, if that was the case, I'd rather just die. I wish I could predict the future, to see if it's worth hanging around for. I'm not convinced. Will just try to take each day as it comes and deal with it as well as I can.
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