Rubbish day

The day anything runs smoothly in my life I think I'll down a bottle of wine in one to celebrate. Hell, whenever small victories are won I feel so out of sorts, like a fish out of water that I can't enjoy the good bits. At all. Just waiting for something bad to come along and inevitably it does. I guess some of us are put on this earth just to have our patience, sanity, whatever, tried. Avoiding social media a bit. Seeing people happy and enjoying life makes me feel even more down. I do try to help myself, to make my life better instead of whinging and whining about how hard done by I am but when you're in a dark place it's so hard to climb out of it, especially when it's knock back after knock back. What is the point in even trying? People are pissing me off. I just want to run and hide somewhere, somewhere with no human habitation. I once thought my family, my siblings to be specific, was invincible, nothing could break us but oh how I was wrong. I'm not being used anymore. They can all go about their daily lives without me in it. So done with them. I don't have any parents, my beautiful mum has passed on and I miss her so much. As for my father, he only bothers with a select few of his daughters, some of them just out for what they can get regardless of how it makes others feel. So, I have no father. Never again will we see each other. If something happens to me I do not want him running to me, too late then. Likewise, should something happen to him, it is nothing to do with me. Feel sad it's this way, deeply, but I can't deal with him anymore. I have to move on. No one is treating me badly without any consequences. I think that's half my problem, have let people take the piss out of me for so long that I can no longer tolerate it. In future, there's one chance and if that chance gets blown then we're done. I need to talk to my mum, I need to tell her how things are but I can't. If I could change things, I would swap places with my darling mum. She didn't deserve to die. Can't deal with it. Don't want to be here yet people make you out to be selfish if you take your own life but it's my bloody life and if I no longer want to live this pitiful life anymore then I won't! Selfish of others to expect you to carry on your misery. Very selfish. I just want to be left alone. By everything and everyone!