...to end things. I don't quite understand what I mean by 'things'. My mind is in turmoil more times than not and I want it to stop so maybe that is a 'thing'. I am watching Autopsy: The final hours... series. When the coroner goes over toxicology reports my mind jumps a bit and it momentarily makes me feel like there is a way out if only I could get hold of said drugs on the report. It's like my mind is constantly searching for an end to my miserable existence. I don't even think these thoughts deliberately, they just happen. I kind of feel resigned to the fact I'm going to find my life cut short and with it I feel a certain kind of peace but at the same time, I'm somewhat unwilling to let that happen for reasons unknown to me. I don't want to leave my kids and put them through what I'm going through with the loss of my mum but if I write them a letter maybe that will help. Explain things. Tell them to not be sad. I just know I'm not coping too good. I've cut everyone off. I have no one. There is only one way left for me. Other than my kids, I have nothing to live for, I've pushed everyone away.
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