Awful day

It's my sister's wedding  today and I'm sat at home with a coffee and a cigarette. Feel so messed up. I love my sister dearly and can't tell you how much I am regretting not being there for my sister's big day, it's never going to happen again. I thought, after losing my beloved mum, life might ease up a little bit but it doesn't. It just carries on bringing bad karma. Why? All us girls should have been brought together after our devastating loss but it's done the opposite. We're all falling out and it is breaking our mum's heart. I just hope the rifts aren't irreparable. I know for my part it's my messed up head causing me to act in a way I normally wouldn't, I don't know how to stop it. I want my family to go back to how we were, where nothing could divide us. I never, ever in a million years thought we would split like we have, didn't think it ever possible and now that we are divided, it's shattered a lifelong belief and I struggle to deal with that. Feel extremely sad and gutted. Regardless, I hope my sister has an amazing day.

Bad day

Bad few days rather. Even weeks. Feel totally consumed with the loss of my mum. Truth be known, if something suspicious shows up on my chest x ray I feel a lil bit contented in that I'll be back with my mum again. I simply cannot say, or write, how much I miss her. Her last few hours keep playing over and over in my head and the grief cuts deep. Been looking at the few photos I have left of my mum on my phone and it all feels like it was only yesterday. I don't know how you're supposed to go on after such a loss. She should still be here, with her family, enjoying the little things in life. She was a fighter and I know no one else who even comes close to being as strong as my mum was. I can't take this pain, it torments me daily and I need to somehow learn to deal with it or just carry on like I am and hope one day soon I will be back with my mum. Maybe this cancer scare will be the start of that, who knows! My mum would kick my arse for talking like this but that's the difference between me and my mum, she's strong and I'm weak. I'm so proud to have the mum I have. Love you always forever and ever xxx

Fed up

Feel so down last couple of days, can't snap out of it. Things keep going wrong and I keep asking when is enough enough. When will all the bad shit end. Will there even be an end, I don't think so. Seems some people sail through life with plenty of good shit between the bad but me, it's the opposite. When will I be allowed a period longer than a fortnight without any bad shit happening? Even when I do things by the book bad shit still keeps happening. Waiting on my x ray results is stressful, just want to know if everything is clear. Other shit on my mind too and the biggest thing I'm struggling with is the loss of my mum. I feel so cheated. This world is fked up. It's my sister's wedding tomorrow and I'm not going, it's all so fked. Ever since mum passed away everything has gone to shit. How do you deal with such a loss? You can't. Maybe one day, in the distant future, other things might back off but not gonna hold my breath.

Sad

Hello mum. Missing you so much. Feels so raw. The depth of your loss continues to build and I don't know what to do with myself half the time, I just want you back so bad. I know you're looking down on all your family and you will know I'm worried about my chest x ray results. I don't know why. I don't think I have cancer but because the Dr brought it up yesterday it still plays on my mind. Just can't wait to get the results back so that whatever is wrong can be sorted out. I'm thinking chest infection.
I'm going to come and lay some flowers Saturday. It's so hard going to your resting place. You're not there I know, you're a free spirit, looking down on us all but still, it's nice to have somewhere to go to give you flowers. I hope nan and grandad are looking after you, I miss them too.
Not a day goes past where I don't think of you, I hope you know that. Love you xxx

Need you mum

Miss you so so much mum. The pain is still as raw now as when you first passed away. I wish we'd have done more, you were a fighter and I wish I'd have spoken up more in that hospital room instead of just going with everyone else. I felt I was wrong to voice what I really wanted to say. All these regrets I have, they cut deep. Like, not taking your overnight bag to you at the hospital. That haunts me. You wanted it. Life is so horrible without you. Just existing. I'm trying to keep busy just to keep sane when really, all I want is to be with you. Don't know how I go on without you. You're my mum.

Miss you mum

Just been reading your text messages on my phone. I wish you was here so much. I can't believe you're gone, I don't think I ever will. It's too big a thing to get my head round. I know one day we will be reunited and that gives me some comfort but it doesn't take away the pain of losing you. I hope you liked all your flowers laid for you on Mother's day, they were beautiful just like you. I am so honoured to have you as my mum, you really are the best. I still look to you for guidance and I know you are there, watching, wishing the best for all your daughters. I love you xxx

Mother's day

Well, happy Mother's day to you mum. Words simply cannot express how big a void is left inside me without you here. I feel so bitter and angry at times with how some evil cruel disease had to take you and when others talk about what they're doing with their mums this Mother's day when I can't makes me want to lash out. It's not fair. I still to this day can't believe you're gone. I have this small knot of frustration, despair and helplessness in the pit of my stomach and it grows bigger and bigger til it threatens to overwhelm me. I don't know how I'm getting through each day but somehow I'm managing but I don't know how. How does one carry on when the person who carried them for nine months, gave birth to them and then raised them is no longer here? I don't know. I love you forever and always mum XxxxxxxxX