Sorted

Feeling stressed, anxious, low, fed up, pointless and many other things. Trying really hard to not self harm right now. I've pretty much given up on life, given up on it giving me a break. Also trying really hard to not distance myself from family too. I have three sisters and I must not avoid them for another few months. Tomorrow is another day and it may be better than today. I will give tomorrow a chance. If things don't improve I might come off my tablets as I know it is these that are keeping me from finishing it all. I'm done with life. It's not for me, it's not a pleasant experience and I want out. Getting quite frustrated with myself for delaying my plans, I know how I'm going to do it I just need to do it. I might be missed for a little while but those I leave behind will carry on with their own lives at some point. They're probably better off without me anyway, I bring nothing but stress and negativity.

Keep it together...

...must keep it together...easier said than done. I really am going to stop setting myself up for fall after fall after fall, I am a glutton for punishment. Today has proved why I must keep to myself and not let family in. It's not like they give a damn anyway. If they did, and if they knew me, they'd know that sometimes I react in a way I don't want to react in and that I can't stop myself when I get like that. They're all happy enough playing happy families without me by the sounds of it so they can carry on as they are. That barrier is going right back up once I get these emotions out of me again and next time there's any chance of meeting up with a family member I'm going to steer clear. For my own sanity. I can't keep letting myself get torn, no matter how lonely it gets on my own. It really is just me and the kids now.

Low

Trying to beat this low mood but it's hard. I don't really have a purpose anymore, other than my kids, I'm not really any good to anyone else and even with my kids I fail sometimes. Been feeling low all day, irritable too. I'm stressing over time off at work due to not being able to have the days off I want and I feel like I'm going to quit my job but I don't want to lose my job. I like my job. It's the only thing that gets me out of bed in the mornings. Just confirms I'm a nobody who no one wants to know, not even my own family. I've lost contact with everyone and it's just me and my kids now. I feel so impatient for something to happen, to put me out of my misery. Maybe I should suddenly stop my meds because then I know that if the powers that be (which are so good at messing me up but not actually ending my misery) won't end it all then I will. I'm not ever going to be or feel normal again, whatever normal is. It's been years and I don't see anything changing. My mum would be so mad right now if she knew my thoughts. Maybe she does. If she does, then I'm sorry mum but I'm struggling. I'm nowhere near as good a person as you. You were, and always will be, a much better person than me. You are my mum and I love and miss you every single day.

Break down

I had the biggest breakdown I've had in a long time yesterday. The emotions were so raw and powerful that I literally was beside myself. I don't know if my earlier mental health appointment sparked it but I can't go through that again so I'm going to discharge myself in an effort to avoid another bad episode. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't feel I'm ever going to be normal. I keep thinking of ways to finish it all and I came so close last night. I had the biggest argument I have ever had with my youngest last night and today I just feel so down and drained. I don't know that I can cope much longer. Yesterday was a bad day that brought bad news and I lost it completely. Everything is overwhelming me and I can't see a way out. Other than finishing it all. Everyone will be so much better off without me around.

Ways

I wonder if I was to dose up on my meds and lie in a full bath of water if I'd drown without being conscious. I have been thinking of a many number of ways I can end it all with the least amount of distress. Knock myself out whilst in the bath and drown whilst unconscious. I want to cut myself so bad right now but I have to go to work tomorrow and I can't have cuts showing on my arm. Why is this even stopping me? If I wasn't taking my meds I'd have done it with no hesitation, possibly even ended it all by now. I think I should stop taking them, let nature take its course. No more misery, no more being a useless mum to my kids, no more being a let down, no more dragging other people down, no more...anything. To be free of this never ending depression, misery, extreme emotions would be nothing but bliss. I'm not a mum whose kids can be proud of and this is killing me. I was fortunate to have the best mum in the entire world but somehow I can't afford that same privilege to my kids, my mum's grandchildren, it breaks my heart. I know I'm a huge let down, failure, you name it, I'm it. My kids are better off without me before I damage them even more.

Finding ways...

...to end things. I don't quite understand what I mean by 'things'. My mind is in turmoil more times than not and I want it to stop so maybe that is a 'thing'. I am watching Autopsy: The final hours... series. When the coroner goes over toxicology reports my mind jumps a bit and it momentarily makes me feel like there is a way out if only I could get hold of said drugs on the report. It's like my mind is constantly searching for an end to my miserable existence. I don't even think these thoughts deliberately, they just happen. I kind of feel resigned to the fact I'm going to find my life cut short and with it I feel a certain kind of peace but at the same time, I'm somewhat unwilling to let that happen for reasons unknown to me. I don't want to leave my kids and put them through what I'm going through with the loss of my mum but if I write them a letter maybe that will help. Explain things. Tell them to not be sad. I just know I'm not coping too good. I've cut everyone off. I have no one. There is only one way left for me. Other than my kids, I have nothing to live for, I've pushed everyone away.

New perspective

Many times I am consumed with thoughts of how to kill myself. Quick and painless. Maybe I can take the pain, mind over matter, just see it as a superficial thing. One of the lead characters in the book I'm reading cut his arms. Three deep cuts vertically along each arm and just waited. I don't know that I could do that. There would be too much time to think, perhaps regretting making those cuts. I don't know if I want to really die, I just need my life to stop being how it is. I've pushed everyone away, every single person apart from my kids and other than them I have no one. I have cut myself off from everyone and evidently, not one of my five sisters are able to see that I am struggling and may say or do things I do not mean. For the most part, I just block them out, somehow stop myself from feeling anything towards them. I don't want them in my life anymore. As for my father, we are through too. I am on my own and I need to make a fresh start away from everyone. My father is not someone to be proud of. Since my precious darling mum passed, I have faced up to what my father did to my mum and I want my mum here so bad so that I can, for the first time, fully acknowledge what he did to her face to face. I still feel very bitter that my mum was taken, makes no sense, not at all. I want and need her so bad it hurts. My beautiful mum. A mum who gave up lots to solely care for her six girls which I know can't have been easy but that was my mum, she coped, got on with it. I just wish I had an ounce of her strength and determination. Nothing has been the same since my mum passed and nor will be. Ever. My next step is to be with her again. I know my kids will grieve awfully for me but I will leave them a letter each begging them to not spend their lives mourning me, that I want them to be happy and I will forever be looking down on them. I will still be there but in a different way. I know it won't stop their feelings of sadness but even if it was to give a tiny bit of comfort it'll be worth leaving them a letter. I don't know when or how it's going to happen, I just know it will. I just need to condition my mind to not be afraid. There are worse things in life; Living a sad, lonely, pointless existence.