Life. Pah. What life.

First of all, life is nothing but one messed up journey that is set to try you until you can't deal with any more crap but somehow life still throws continuous crap at you. Feeling like I can't deal with anything anymore at all. All I can do is just let what's going to happen, happen and simply let it do its worst. If I didn't have any children, I'd quite happily give up and be done with everything but I can't and that frustrates me at times. God took the wrong person when he took my mum. There are murderers, rapists, paedophiles, yet, God took my mum? What the hell is with that? Words cannot make any sense of it at all. It's fked up. Don't even have a dad I can turn to. All he cares about is himself and those who benefit him in some way, shape or form. Couldn't even buy my daughter, his grandchild, a card. Done with him. Feel sad about it but as far as I'm concerned, I don't have a father. I want, need my mum so much. She was an amazing mum, person, she didn't deserve to have her life cut short. Fking joke. I feel so messed up and I don't know how to deal with it. It's all bullshit.

...

Don't know what to do with myself. I feel like stopping all the medication I'm on and get my nerve back to end my miserable existence. I can't function as I am. I want my mum. I need my mum. I need to tell her how bad I'm coping and how bad my moods are. With my mum listening to me, it would help. Dr has altered my medication and messed me up. I'm so angry. I can't let the smallest of things drop. I go on, and on and on, until I've hurt all those around me with my vicious words. I am a horrible, spiteful, cruel person. This is not how I want to be but I can't stop it. Things go round and round in my mind and this inability to stop myself reacting in extreme ways is driving me crazy. Literally, crazy. I'm a failure, a total failure and I don't like myself. I wish upon wish that I was taken instead of my mum, the wrong person went, it should have been me. How I wish it had been me. Hopefully, I will get my release one day soon and be done with this shit and be back with my mum. I love you mum. I know you'd be kicking my arse right now, but you have to remember I'm nowhere near as strong or as beautiful a person as you. I love you xxx

Been a while..

...since I last wrote but not a day goes by where I don't think of my beautiful mum. Have had some really hard days, unbearable. To say I miss my mum is a huge understatement. I can't believe she has gone, it's just too big a thing for me to take in. I feel like it hasn't really happened, that any time now I'm going to see my mum. How do you get your head round losing your mum? You can't. I can't. I don't think I ever will. Living in denial is infinitely easier than letting the truth slip through, which, from time to time, almost does. My mind just goes fuzzy when I try to think hard about who I have lost, the strongest woman I know who I was blessed with as my mum. I love you mum. I hope you like your flowers I laid for you last week xxx

Awful day

It's my sister's wedding  today and I'm sat at home with a coffee and a cigarette. Feel so messed up. I love my sister dearly and can't tell you how much I am regretting not being there for my sister's big day, it's never going to happen again. I thought, after losing my beloved mum, life might ease up a little bit but it doesn't. It just carries on bringing bad karma. Why? All us girls should have been brought together after our devastating loss but it's done the opposite. We're all falling out and it is breaking our mum's heart. I just hope the rifts aren't irreparable. I know for my part it's my messed up head causing me to act in a way I normally wouldn't, I don't know how to stop it. I want my family to go back to how we were, where nothing could divide us. I never, ever in a million years thought we would split like we have, didn't think it ever possible and now that we are divided, it's shattered a lifelong belief and I struggle to deal with that. Feel extremely sad and gutted. Regardless, I hope my sister has an amazing day.

Bad day

Bad few days rather. Even weeks. Feel totally consumed with the loss of my mum. Truth be known, if something suspicious shows up on my chest x ray I feel a lil bit contented in that I'll be back with my mum again. I simply cannot say, or write, how much I miss her. Her last few hours keep playing over and over in my head and the grief cuts deep. Been looking at the few photos I have left of my mum on my phone and it all feels like it was only yesterday. I don't know how you're supposed to go on after such a loss. She should still be here, with her family, enjoying the little things in life. She was a fighter and I know no one else who even comes close to being as strong as my mum was. I can't take this pain, it torments me daily and I need to somehow learn to deal with it or just carry on like I am and hope one day soon I will be back with my mum. Maybe this cancer scare will be the start of that, who knows! My mum would kick my arse for talking like this but that's the difference between me and my mum, she's strong and I'm weak. I'm so proud to have the mum I have. Love you always forever and ever xxx

Fed up

Feel so down last couple of days, can't snap out of it. Things keep going wrong and I keep asking when is enough enough. When will all the bad shit end. Will there even be an end, I don't think so. Seems some people sail through life with plenty of good shit between the bad but me, it's the opposite. When will I be allowed a period longer than a fortnight without any bad shit happening? Even when I do things by the book bad shit still keeps happening. Waiting on my x ray results is stressful, just want to know if everything is clear. Other shit on my mind too and the biggest thing I'm struggling with is the loss of my mum. I feel so cheated. This world is fked up. It's my sister's wedding tomorrow and I'm not going, it's all so fked. Ever since mum passed away everything has gone to shit. How do you deal with such a loss? You can't. Maybe one day, in the distant future, other things might back off but not gonna hold my breath.

Sad

Hello mum. Missing you so much. Feels so raw. The depth of your loss continues to build and I don't know what to do with myself half the time, I just want you back so bad. I know you're looking down on all your family and you will know I'm worried about my chest x ray results. I don't know why. I don't think I have cancer but because the Dr brought it up yesterday it still plays on my mind. Just can't wait to get the results back so that whatever is wrong can be sorted out. I'm thinking chest infection.
I'm going to come and lay some flowers Saturday. It's so hard going to your resting place. You're not there I know, you're a free spirit, looking down on us all but still, it's nice to have somewhere to go to give you flowers. I hope nan and grandad are looking after you, I miss them too.
Not a day goes past where I don't think of you, I hope you know that. Love you xxx