Busy

Been trying to keep busy to stop myself from thinking too much. Now though I feel like I've pushed my mum away but I really haven't. I'm willing her presence right now and I'm sure I feel her. My mum will always be with me, no matter where I am. Lately, I've been trying to block everything out just so that I can get through the day but I know this won't last forever and nor do I want it to. The enormity of my loss is simply too much for my brain to get round so for the most part it still doesn't feel real. I don't want to accept what has happened, I want things to go back to how they were. Life means nothing anymore.

Anxious

I'm in a really dark mood tonight. Feel so on edge that something really bad is going to happen. It started last night and is still going. It was stronger last night than tonight; tonight I feel generally more anxious and jittery, like there is something fizzy running through my veins across my whole body. I wish it would let up because it feels like a precursor to a huge mood swing. I go crazy when I have those, how I haven't been locked up yet I don't know.
Having serious relationship problems with my boyfriend, if indeed, he still is. I feel so alone and he can't even be bothered to come be with me, yet, he's happy enough spending plenty of time with his frickin' neighbour. What has to happen in my life for him to put me first? The worst thing in my life has now happened to me so obviously nothing will make him act as a caring partner.
I am not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I'm falling apart but no one can see it. By time they do, it will probably be too late.

Missing my mum

I miss my mum so much. Why was she taken from me? I wish I could rewind a few years back to when my darling mum was cancer free & for my mum to live her life as she should have done! She was such a good person and she had to put up with so much. Evil people live longer! What is with that?! Why take my mum when there are people out there that actually deserve to die?! My mum didn't deserve it. She deserved better, far better! I hate this horrible cold world. It's nothing without my mum in it. To think if I lived another 20 years it's 20 years without my mum, I can't do it.

Falling apart

I would give anything to have you back here mum. I'm sorry for the fall out between me and one of your other daughters, and I'm also sorry if I spoke out of turn but I'm struggling. I don't want to know a world without you in it. I know you would want your six girls to remain tightly knit but there are issues still going on from when you were here and I feel you're being let down. Not just by them but by me too and that's the bit I really care about, my behaviour. Others can worry about theirs but I can only worry about mine and I'm sorry that there is now a rift. We're letting you down and I'm so sorry. I'm falling apart. I want you back so so bad. I hope you are with nan and grandad, that they are once again looking after you, I too one day soon will be joining you. That much I can guarantee xxx

I miss you mum

I miss you so much. I've been having familiarity pangs today, like I do most days but today I've had more than usual. Picking out birthday cards was horrible knowing you no longer can. I want time to stop. You passed on way too early and there was still so much more for you to explore. Time just carries on. It stops for nothing. It creates more distance between having you here and then not having you here and I don't like it. No matter how much time passes, it won't ever take away this huge hole I now have inside of me. We're all going to Janene's tomorrow and part of me doesn't want to, I usually only went with you. How am I going to carry on without you? It's all so wrong. I get so angry. I just want to lash out at everyone and everything. But no matter what I do, it's not going to change reality and then I feel even worse. I truly am just existing, living each day without meaning anymore. I want to be with you again xxx

Hi mum

Just want to say hello to my mum, the most amazing woman to have walked this earth. I know you can hear me. I think about you all the time, be it at work, home, family...your family. Tearing up just writing this. I miss you so much, life just isn't the same without you. I have that knitting pattern and wool I bought you, I'm giving it a go. Wish it was you doing it, not me, it's supposed to be you doing it. I know you must be guiding me somehow with it because I'm doing not too bad a job so far. This is so hard, being without you, in the way you used to be. I've never cried so much. I am so lost without my mum. I love you so much xxx

Flowers

Today I put flowers on nan and grandad's places of rest. I also laid some on your spot, mum. It felt so wrong. Taking flowers up for you. Usually it's me and you working as a team to get nan and grandad's flowers sitting right in their urns. It was so hard taking your flowers, I shouldn't have to be doing that, you should be here. Words cannot even come close to describing how heartbreaking it was. I can't wait to be with you again, you're my everything and I can't live without you. I'm trying, reluctantly, but I just can't do it and nor do I want to. How am I supposed to go on without you? How? My world has been shattered and it would be an impossible task piecing all the bits together again so I'm not even going to try. I'll carry on existing, for now, but know that I shall be reunited with you again soon. I'm not strong enough to endure this pain so please don't be angry with me. We all have to go at some time and everything here is such a struggle I may as well be with you again and be happy. I love you so much xxx