Flowers

Today I put flowers on nan and grandad's places of rest. I also laid some on your spot, mum. It felt so wrong. Taking flowers up for you. Usually it's me and you working as a team to get nan and grandad's flowers sitting right in their urns. It was so hard taking your flowers, I shouldn't have to be doing that, you should be here. Words cannot even come close to describing how heartbreaking it was. I can't wait to be with you again, you're my everything and I can't live without you. I'm trying, reluctantly, but I just can't do it and nor do I want to. How am I supposed to go on without you? How? My world has been shattered and it would be an impossible task piecing all the bits together again so I'm not even going to try. I'll carry on existing, for now, but know that I shall be reunited with you again soon. I'm not strong enough to endure this pain so please don't be angry with me. We all have to go at some time and everything here is such a struggle I may as well be with you again and be happy. I love you so much xxx

Tough few days

And many, many more to come. I feel so lost without my mum. Today I went to the cemetery to remove the flowers that had travelled with her in the hearse and all I could do was cry. It's all wrong. I keep having moments where I turn round to call my mum to tell her something but then I come to. I realise I can't. Not in the same way that I used to. I talk aloud so my mum can hear me and I know she does hear me  but I just miss her so much. I can't believe it's happened, she was taken away far too soon, we wasn't ready, my mum wasn't ready. Why why why? Why did she get taken from us? I don't want to know a life without my mum. It's just not do-able. One day, one day...

Miss you

Missing my mum so much. Still can't believe this enormous loss has happened.  My heart breaks over and over and I don't know how I'm managing to get through each day. Keep thinking there was more that could have been done but no matter how many scenarios I go through, it's not going to change anything, they won't bring my mum back and I get so angry. At times, I'm at a total loss at how to deal with all the high emotions going through me and I can't cope. I want my mum so bad. How can she not be here? I know she's here in a different form but how or why was she taken from me? What did my mum ever do? Other than be a devoted mother? Why why fking why?! I can't handle this pain. I'm going to join my mum one day soon, I can't see any other way, my life is nothing now.

Emotions

Yesterday I simply felt numb. Well, other than a few wobbly moments that is. I just feel empty, as if I'm a shell with nothing inside. I remember I had two days like this not so long ago and on the third day, I lost it. I think my sanity temporarily left me, I was in unbearable pain. In my head, I don't know how the world is carrying on as if nothing happened, people carrying on with their daily lives yet my one has been shredded. It's as if I'm just awaiting the day now to join my mum. She was such a big part of my life and still is. I still look to her for guidance, I still talk to her no matter where I am. No one or anything in this world can take that away from me.

Another horrid day

Well that's it. No longer have mum's home. No longer will I ever be able to go there again. How I wish my mum was still here, sitting in her chair doing her knitting whilst watching some show on TV. Or see her at a bus stop waiting to go up town or bingo. Or go to Cambridge to visit my youngest sister with her. Or call her to talk about any troubles I may be going through and just wanting to talk to mum. Or go round hers to check she's eaten that day and to ask what she wants for dinner when she was poorly.
I don't think I can feel any more alone. Even with five sisters. I feel stronger when I'm with them, I take comfort from them but when I'm not, it's a whole different story. I was so lucky to have had the mum I had. And still have - just in a different way. But I want her back properly, I would sacrifice anything. I'd even give my life if it would bring my mum back, I just want her to be alive. How do you even go on from something like this? Every day, I question how I'm still here, alive, living, rather; existing. How am I still walking this earth when my mum, my mum, is gone. Physically. How? I feel like my life should have ended by now. I can't imagine a future without my mum in it. Every single day is so, so hard.

Last full day at my mum's

Today is my last day at my mum's. After tomorrow, I can no longer be at her home. This is harder  to deal with than I thought it would be. I've neglected my own home to be at mum's, sorting through her possessions and now that has all been done. How I'm still here is beyond me. I don't know what to do with myself. I am fighting a huge wave of grief from swallowing me up, I don't want to feel any deeper pain than what I already am. Don't even know how it's even possible for this pain to get any bigger. How do other people cope when they lose someone really, really close to them? My mum was my everything. I want her back so bad. I miss you so, so much mum. I'm not doing too well without you, I need you here. You weren't ready to pass on and we weren't ready either, it was such a shock and I don't know how I'm going to go on without you. For now, I'm just trying to keep on keeping on but I'm not living, merely existing. My life is so bleak without you. I know you're here in other ways I know you are but I want you back properly. You're my mum. I love you so, so much xxx

Nothing is the same

Life continues to be unbearable. I don't even know how I'm existing without my mum. I don't want to. I want to be with the darling woman who gave birth to me, brought me up and continued to be there for me when I hit adulthood.
Why is the world so cruel. Why take my mum so early. I miss her so much. My head is just a mess and I don't even know how I'm functioning. Losing my mum has made me so angry. And helpless. And all the rest of it. Could we have saved her? I think things may have gone a different way if only we'd tried harder. Did we let our mum down? What could we have done differently? I hate going down that road as it will only bring more heartache but it keeps haunting me. Maybe she could still be here. I can't deal with it! It's all too much and one day soon, I'm going to join my mum. I can't see any other way out. This pain is far, far too great to endure and I'm not strong enough.