Feeling separated

Today I have been operating like nothing has happened. How is that even possible? I think I've gone into major denial. The thought of my lovely mum not being here is just too big a loss to handle. It's not real. I have been keeping busy and I don't want to stop because then the thoughts come along. But they come along anyway but my mind dismisses them. I feel like I have a huge rock in front of me, impossible to climb due to its vast size. I can't get anywhere near over it so I just don't try. I ignore it as I can't conquer it. That rock is the equivalent of my loss. I know it's there but I don't want to see it. I can't get over something so great. I don't even know how I'm still here. Existing. Without my mum. How am I doing that? How? In my mind it just doesn't compute. Mum, I miss you so much. Life just isn't the same without you. So many things I turn to tell you but a split second later I realise I can't. At least not in person, in the flesh. How do I go on without you? I feel empty. My life isn't worth living anymore. I don't want any part of this world if you're not in it. You mean so much to me and I love you more than you could ever know xxx

Feeling cheated

Feeling so cheated having my mum taken away from me. My mum was a good person, through and through. Why was she taken? Why take my mum days before she was due to start chemo??? Why? She was 63. Too young to pass on. There are evil monsters in this world who live til their 80s or 90s, who have committed unspeakable acts on fellow human beings yet it's my mum that is taken? Why? Where is the reasoning behind that? Someone please tell me.
I'm fighting back a huge wave of anger, frustration, sadness, desperation, unfairness inside of me. It threatens to overwhelm me and I don't know where it would take me. Could I survive such an onslaught of extreme emotions? Yet, I know its coming. It creeps ever closer and I'm scared. I already feel all of those emotions and more but so far I have been able to ride them out each time they hit. Just. Will I ever feel 'normal' again? Do I even want to? No. How can I ever feel normal again with such a huge hole inside of me. There is a part of me that died that horrible night. Life will never be the same again. My mum going through those last moments, passing on, makes my heart break into a million pieces and I can't do anything about it. Was there anything that could have been done that hadn't been done? Why was my mum not put in ICU? I dare not travel that road too far, it can bring only more heartache. If that's even possible.
I love you mum. Words simply cannot express just how much. Nothing can describe something so big. Know that I know you are there, around us, your girls.

Cotton wool

Today has been a strange one. It's as if my head is full of cotton wool, every time I think of my gorgeous mum the sadness is blocked. Well, the deep sadness. It's there, but trapped behind a barrier. Almost like my brain has just shut off because it can't take the overwhelming feelings of sadness, anger at losing you, frustration...you name it. I torture myself most days for not taking my mum's hospital bag up the hospital as she had asked me to. When she asked me if I had her bag, I said no. I didn't tell her that I had rushed up the hospital as the Dr's had said she wasn't doing too well. I wish I'd gotten it. I wish I had. Or even if I hadn't, I wish I'd lied and just said that yes, I have your bag with all your overnight bits inside. For them few moments, you would have felt comforted by having your bag there, that you would need it the following day. But I didn't take your bag. I just went straight to the hospital. How I regret that. I let you down. Turned out you didn't need your bag because you passed away later that evening and my heart breaks. I feel so guilty. Maybe, if I'd have taken your overnight things, it would have given you some sort of will to fight that horrible infection. Maybe you thought I didn't bring it because I thought you weren't going to make it through the night, that just tears me apart. I feel so very guilty. Did I think that? I don't know. I'm so sorry. I miss you so much mum, you were my life. I'm lost without you. How do I carry on without you? I can't carry on without you. Someone please put me out of my misery. I want to be with my mum.

Sad

Feeling overwhelmingly sad. I have things I want to talk to my mum about but I can't. Not in the traditional sense. Why are good people taken before the bad? Why is that? How messed up is this world? Why do evil, vile cretins live long healthy lives yet the life of my mother was taken away? I can't stand this. How do you go on? I don't want to go on. I just want to be with my mum.

Struggling

Struggling so bad today with losing my mum. My mind still won't fully accept it so how come it still hurts so bad? I feel so helpless, frustrated, sad, down. I can't do anything. I can't do anything to change it, to bring my mum back. I want her back so bad!

Service

Today, we said goodbye to our mother. Only, there are no goodbyes, only 'til we meet again. Meanwhile, I know my mum is still with us, I feel her. I know she is there. The pain I feel inside will not lessen, I will somehow learn to live with it. Time cannot heal such a huge hole, it simply isn't possible. If I had one wish, just one, it would be that the Powers That Be had taken me. Not my mum. My mum didn't want to die, she was afraid of it and I can't bear the thought of her going through it, it is more than I can humanly bear. How do I go on? What point is there? One day, in the not too distant future, I shall be reunited with her. One day. I hope my mum is proud of all her girls tonight, we gave it our all. I know she is feeling proud of us tonight, after all  we are her girls. Love you mum xxx

Miss my mum

I never knew pain could cut so deep. I feel so cheated. My mum should still be here, she went way before her time. Somehow, it still feels unreal, despite all the pain. It's like it's happening to someone else, not really happening to me. My poor mum had everything to live for, she was doing excellent but the powers that be decided to take her from me. I hate them for that. My mum was a good woman, she'd do anything for anyone. She was everything that I strive to be. Did my mum know she was going to pass away? Was she in tremendous pain? Could she have foreseen that horrible day? My heart is broken. Why did they not take me? Why take my beautiful mum? I don't want any part of this horrible vicious world!

Awful times

Words simply cannot convey how I am feeling right now. I lost my beautiful mother recently and I can't see how I am going to get through this. My mind, even now, cannot seem to comprehend the enormous loss I have suffered. How do people get through this? How is it even possible? And why was my mum cruelly ripped away from this world? Leaving a wake of devastation behind her. How do we operate? My mum's life was cut short and I cannot get my head around this. It cuts deeper than u ever imagined and I am living my worst nightmare. All I can think is that if He had to take anyone, out of everyone He could have taken, why was it not me? It should have been me. I'm not strong enough to take this pain, I can't function without my mum, the woman who gave birth to me. Today is her birthday, she would have been 64. I don't know what to do with myself. What do I do? Where do I go? How do I go on? What if I can't go on, what will become of my family? So many questions but not any answers. I just want to be with my mum.