Tonight I feel like...

...chatting shit! Shit shit and more SHIT. Imma gonna chat shit till I can chat shit no more! My brain is fried. Fried fried fired fried FRIED! I can't function anymore, at least not at this given moment in time. It's like there's a lil man in my head blocking every receptive pathway in there and all those for outgoing pathways too. It makes sense in my head, just about. It's like my brain is asleep but my body isn't, get me? Or, my head is full of cotton wool, rendering it useless. Yesss, just a normal day for me then. Well, night, seeing as it is dark out there. Will be dark in this house too when I terminate the electric source to all lights and lamps. Don't even know if that last para made sense?!?! I think I should have been in bed hours ago. Wanna go bed with someone special but apparently he's on secret missions that I'm not privy to. Wtf. Maybe he's in the crystal maze in which case, all is forgiven.

The Barrens

The Barrens is a rather poor effort IMHO. There is not much depth to it and even if you were to catch the last half of this mediocre film you'd be up to speed in no time with the plot. Which, btw, is a very simple one.
The main character, Richard, develops rabies after being bitten by an infected dog. This decidedly affects his rationale and in an effort to patch up cracks in his family, he takes them camping. Err I'm so unmotivated by this weak plot I can't even finish this review of it. Please do utilise Google to find other ones!
So, I do hope you found my half assed review helpful,  it just about matched the director's effort in the making of this film. Toodle-ooo.

My eyes are...

...bigger than my belly! Not literally you understand. Gawd I wish that was the case! It's a double edged sword though isn't it? Because if my belly was the same size as one of my eyes, I don't think I'd be physically able to down a Big Mac or two would I? So hmmm. Tiny belly vs Big Mac...gonna put that one to BBC QT.

Well I have an update on my lawn. There is no facking update, you know why? 'Cos there still is no facking lawn! Wth. No new growth. Nothing. Nadda. So which one of you lil fkers sabotaged it? 'fess up! I will hunt you daaaaaaannnn & gut you like a fiiiisshhhhh! Err anyway, I spy no green stuff :( Why won't it grow damnit. I WANT GRASS!!

Just so you know...

...there is not much to report on regarding my lawn-to-be. I'll take a wild stab in the dark that it is far too soon to spy any blades of the green stuff shooting up from the soil. Suffice to say, you'll just have to wait.
Don't be sulking. Good things come to those who wait. Apparently.

God I'm such a...

...whizz at this horticultural shit! Think I just might have missed my calling in life. Well that sure would suck if I have. I'm sure I suck at plenty of shit so at least I've been groomed at sucking. Meaning, the blows are less intense and if nothing else, I'm at least good at something, albeit sucking at shit.
I have treated you to an update of my produce. I think it's spring onions and lettuce. Deffo lettuce but not sure if the other batch are sprouts. Wtf. I'm guessing spring onions but I have been known to be wrong on the rare occasion so time will tell. The dilemma I face is where the fk to put it all. My home is being taken over by soil and green stuff. Don't think I'll be taking them outside 'cos being in the shittiest country of all time, we do not have the honour of witnessing the sun. If you're thinking about buying some of my goods, know that they are premium first class goods. Due to the excellent quality of my green stuff, I'm sure you can appreciate this is reflected in the price. £6.91 for a bunch of spring onions (typically around 5 spring onions per bunch) and £8.57 for a stalk of sprouts (usually around 15 sprouts per stalk) . These are on offer at the moment so grab them while you can, they won't last.

Such a...

...loser! I am so rubbish at bingo. They call every number out apart from the ones on my tickets. How the hell does that happen?? Still, I have a roof over my head and some bread in the cupboard so I thank the lord for these blessings. And He does exist, saw him only the other day in Carpet Right. Said He needed to replace the threadbare carpet in the shed (who the fk lays carpet down in the shed?!). Which brings me to my idol...Mario. You know the one, he jumps around collecting coins and has a bro called Luigi. Well, can you imagine if Our Lord bounced around? He could jump from cloud to cloud collecting good souls whilst destroying the bad. Praise be.

Wow...

...forgot I had this thing! Think I might just establish myself as a professional bloggette! Not that there would be an audience for my drivel but you never know, there just might be another loser out there just like me.
I am going to bang on about my garden for the foreseeable future. Sorry about dat! Only I've dug up half of it and seeded it so I'm going to keep you lovely twats err I mean people in the loop. I'm sure the highlight of your day will be to check the progress of my soon-to-be exquisite lawn. You know the drill: Get home after a long day at work, get all the monotonous chores out the way, watch a bit of porn um that should have said Sky Atlantic, oops and then put the dastardly kids to bed. Then, all of a sudden, you A) Realise you haven't checked my lawn yet or B) Didn't forget about my 'to die for' lawn but wanted to save that special moment for when the lil shits are in bed so when that magic moment arrives and you're sat at your PC, all that day's stresses and strains simply melt away when you glimpse the status of my not-yet-established lawn (can you imagine that?!?!). So yes, I will be sure to keep y'all updated. Just need to figure out a name for her. Lola. Love that name! (God can you imagine naming every single blade of grass?? Now that would be silly).
Btw, the pic is supposed to be positioned that way. Thought I'd be considerate and give you a lil neck stretch. Oh and also, it appears that I may have seeded the slabs a wee bit. That wasn't intentional. Who da feck seeds slabs?!?! Tossers.
Ok so someone turned the pic the right way up. Feel a bit silly now.