New perspective

Many times I am consumed with thoughts of how to kill myself. Quick and painless. Maybe I can take the pain, mind over matter, just see it as a superficial thing. One of the lead characters in the book I'm reading cut his arms. Three deep cuts vertically along each arm and just waited. I don't know that I could do that. There would be too much time to think, perhaps regretting making those cuts. I don't know if I want to really die, I just need my life to stop being how it is. I've pushed everyone away, every single person apart from my kids and other than them I have no one. I have cut myself off from everyone and evidently, not one of my five sisters are able to see that I am struggling and may say or do things I do not mean. For the most part, I just block them out, somehow stop myself from feeling anything towards them. I don't want them in my life anymore. As for my father, we are through too. I am on my own and I need to make a fresh start away from everyone. My father is not someone to be proud of. Since my precious darling mum passed, I have faced up to what my father did to my mum and I want my mum here so bad so that I can, for the first time, fully acknowledge what he did to her face to face. I still feel very bitter that my mum was taken, makes no sense, not at all. I want and need her so bad it hurts. My beautiful mum. A mum who gave up lots to solely care for her six girls which I know can't have been easy but that was my mum, she coped, got on with it. I just wish I had an ounce of her strength and determination. Nothing has been the same since my mum passed and nor will be. Ever. My next step is to be with her again. I know my kids will grieve awfully for me but I will leave them a letter each begging them to not spend their lives mourning me, that I want them to be happy and I will forever be looking down on them. I will still be there but in a different way. I know it won't stop their feelings of sadness but even if it was to give a tiny bit of comfort it'll be worth leaving them a letter. I don't know when or how it's going to happen, I just know it will. I just need to condition my mind to not be afraid. There are worse things in life; Living a sad, lonely, pointless existence.

So down

I have felt extremely down today and suicide has crossed my mind a lot. I've pushed everyone away and now I have just my kids. No one else. I love my kids and they're not 'just my kids' but they are literally all I have now. I guess I was right all along, I'm a hard person to like and to be with. No one is there for me. I don't want to carry on like this anymore and all I can think about is putting an end to it all. I don't want my kids burying me and forcing them through the same grief I am going through from burying my dear beloved mum but I can't see any way out of this rut. I'm really not someone worth saving. I have no purpose other than to exist for my kids, to save them from mourning me. I don't even talk anymore. Not unless I have to. Most of the time I just want to be left alone and not utter a single word. I can't see life getting any better. I'm going to die anyway, I have to go through that morbid act so what does it matter if I go through it sooner? At least I'll be out of my misery and back with my mum. Since losing my mum nothing has been the same and nor will it ever be. How can it be? Losing such a huge person in your life will change it forever. I want my mum back so bad. I still even now can't believe she's passed on, I don't think I ever will. I know my mum would be mortified by what I've written in this post and would be doing all she could to stop me acting on this impulse. A few times I have tried to take my life and every single time my mum was at the hospital with me, sitting by my side, showing she cared with her presence. Now, if I fail again, I won't have my mum by my side, she won't be there. I feel so lost without her, I can't imagine my mum not ever being there. If I succeed in leaving this horrid, cruel world then I will be back by mum mum's side and to never leave again.

What a night

What a night tonight has been. So upsetting and stressful. Had a 'to do' with a sister and it's clear we are from different planets. Drink was involved so no doubt this heightened emotions but there's no excusing the fact our father is no one to be proud of. As far as I'm concerned I have no father. Certainly no dad. Dad's don't take out their bitterness on their grandchildren by ignoring their birthdays. For this I cannot forgive him. All I want is my mum. I want her so bad and the feelings of frustration and sadness has been overwhelming tonight. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want to be back with my mum but I know by doing so I will be greatly upsetting my children. They too will have to deal with not having their mum with them. How on earth do people cope when they lose their mum? How does life even go on when your own world stops? I wish I knew the answer.

What to do

Don't know what to do with myself lately. I'm fat, ugly, bloated, you name it, I'm it. Feeling dead to the world. Feeling the loss of my mum acutely. Don't know how to deal with the emotions, just makes me want to be with her more and more. Life is nothing but one long, or not so long for some people, hard cruel bitch. How am I even still here, living, without my mum? I'm starting to have thoughts of ending it all creeping into my mind. I can't see any way out of the rut I'm in. Keep asking myself will this all pass? Not the feelings of grief, they will never pass but will my purpose in life return? Can I get though this and be glad I didn't end it all? I don't know. But with each passing day, the thoughts of ending it all become a bit more real and I'm not sure if I'm going to act on them. I don't want to die but I also don't want my life to just be an existence, if that was the case, I'd rather just die. I wish I could predict the future, to see if it's worth hanging around for. I'm not convinced. Will just try to take each day as it comes and deal with it as well as I can.

Irritable

I hate night times. I dread them. Don't know what to do with myself, it's like I've lost the ability to relax. I wish, for just one night, I could experience what it is like to have my mind free from all thoughts and my body relaxed instead of tense. I feel like I must be doing something all the time and to not stop. I don't know what I can do to change that. Just have to wait for tablets to kick in once I've taken them and get some blessed sleep. The only time I get any release from it.

Rubbish day

The day anything runs smoothly in my life I think I'll down a bottle of wine in one to celebrate. Hell, whenever small victories are won I feel so out of sorts, like a fish out of water that I can't enjoy the good bits. At all. Just waiting for something bad to come along and inevitably it does. I guess some of us are put on this earth just to have our patience, sanity, whatever, tried. Avoiding social media a bit. Seeing people happy and enjoying life makes me feel even more down. I do try to help myself, to make my life better instead of whinging and whining about how hard done by I am but when you're in a dark place it's so hard to climb out of it, especially when it's knock back after knock back. What is the point in even trying? People are pissing me off. I just want to run and hide somewhere, somewhere with no human habitation. I once thought my family, my siblings to be specific, was invincible, nothing could break us but oh how I was wrong. I'm not being used anymore. They can all go about their daily lives without me in it. So done with them. I don't have any parents, my beautiful mum has passed on and I miss her so much. As for my father, he only bothers with a select few of his daughters, some of them just out for what they can get regardless of how it makes others feel. So, I have no father. Never again will we see each other. If something happens to me I do not want him running to me, too late then. Likewise, should something happen to him, it is nothing to do with me. Feel sad it's this way, deeply, but I can't deal with him anymore. I have to move on. No one is treating me badly without any consequences. I think that's half my problem, have let people take the piss out of me for so long that I can no longer tolerate it. In future, there's one chance and if that chance gets blown then we're done. I need to talk to my mum, I need to tell her how things are but I can't. If I could change things, I would swap places with my darling mum. She didn't deserve to die. Can't deal with it. Don't want to be here yet people make you out to be selfish if you take your own life but it's my bloody life and if I no longer want to live this pitiful life anymore then I won't! Selfish of others to expect you to carry on your misery. Very selfish. I just want to be left alone. By everything and everyone!

Life. Pah. What life.

First of all, life is nothing but one messed up journey that is set to try you until you can't deal with any more crap but somehow life still throws continuous crap at you. Feeling like I can't deal with anything anymore at all. All I can do is just let what's going to happen, happen and simply let it do its worst. If I didn't have any children, I'd quite happily give up and be done with everything but I can't and that frustrates me at times. God took the wrong person when he took my mum. There are murderers, rapists, paedophiles, yet, God took my mum? What the hell is with that? Words cannot make any sense of it at all. It's fked up. Don't even have a dad I can turn to. All he cares about is himself and those who benefit him in some way, shape or form. Couldn't even buy my daughter, his grandchild, a card. Done with him. Feel sad about it but as far as I'm concerned, I don't have a father. I want, need my mum so much. She was an amazing mum, person, she didn't deserve to have her life cut short. Fking joke. I feel so messed up and I don't know how to deal with it. It's all bullshit.