Smoking...

...is for losers. Unless it's a big fat spliff ha! Not that I partake in such activities ;) fk dat shit, I'm hardcore, hit me up wid da heroin any time boi! No seriously, I don't do that shit either. Thank gawd. Got enough on my plate without being bogged down by another drug! Drugs = Bad. Not good.
It can be hard to undo all that you are used to. I ran out of cigs tonight and I didn't want to go to the shop to buy any 'cos I had to pick my mummy up from bingo and I couldn't be arsed doing two trips out. So, I went (easily) 2 hrs without lighting up and I have to say, I have a problem. I spend a lot of time in the kitchen, which is where I smoke. I might have one fag, I might have two, but on each visit to the kitchen, I can easily spend half hour on each visit. I am a Twitter addict and I get so caught up on it time just flies by.
So I'm lying there on the sofa without any fags. My subconscious pokes me to go and have a ciggie. I haven't got any so I dismiss the thought. Fifteen minutes later my subconscious gives me another poke. Again, I dismiss it. Eventually, I start getting restless. I want a smoke but don't have any. Should I go shop and get to the bingo hall early to wait for my mummy (ha) or just keep dismissing these pokes. I realise I now have to find something to do with all that time I will be at a loss with which used to be spent in the kitchen getting some Twitter action. Hmmm. I have plenty to do, college work, housework, volunteer work to sort out etc. etc. but it just isn't the same. It is like a ritual to me. Kitchen - fag - Twitter. Fag time is Twitter time basically, it's the main time I check it. During my crappy quit I failed, I found using Twitter whilst in the living room 'not quite the same'. I have to disassociate Twitter from smoking. But how? I guess only time will distance the association but I need to find something else to do, something else that involves using my hands. I have to find alternatives to everything that I used to do with a cigarette.
My family take the piss out of me a lot re my smoking habit. "After a fag" is my catchphrase. I have to have a fag before I do anything. Even if I've not long had one. Say, I've just had a fag. My bf wants to go shops. Despite only having one ten mins ago, I'll want another one before we go to the shop. Wtf? I don't really feel ready to stop but when do you ever? My determination to stop has somewhat lessened but stop I will. It's all mind games. I'm not telling myself I can't ever smoke again, way too final, I'm just telling myself that I choose to stop for now. But who am I kidding? I do plan to stop with no intention of ever smoking again, yet, that notion is far to abrupt. I'm just hoping my AC books will turn my way of thinking round again. Here's hoping!