Keep it together...

...must keep it together...easier said than done. I really am going to stop setting myself up for fall after fall after fall, I am a glutton for punishment. Today has proved why I must keep to myself and not let family in. It's not like they give a damn anyway. If they did, and if they knew me, they'd know that sometimes I react in a way I don't want to react in and that I can't stop myself when I get like that. They're all happy enough playing happy families without me by the sounds of it so they can carry on as they are. That barrier is going right back up once I get these emotions out of me again and next time there's any chance of meeting up with a family member I'm going to steer clear. For my own sanity. I can't keep letting myself get torn, no matter how lonely it gets on my own. It really is just me and the kids now.

Low

Trying to beat this low mood but it's hard. I don't really have a purpose anymore, other than my kids, I'm not really any good to anyone else and even with my kids I fail sometimes. Been feeling low all day, irritable too. I'm stressing over time off at work due to not being able to have the days off I want and I feel like I'm going to quit my job but I don't want to lose my job. I like my job. It's the only thing that gets me out of bed in the mornings. Just confirms I'm a nobody who no one wants to know, not even my own family. I've lost contact with everyone and it's just me and my kids now. I feel so impatient for something to happen, to put me out of my misery. Maybe I should suddenly stop my meds because then I know that if the powers that be (which are so good at messing me up but not actually ending my misery) won't end it all then I will. I'm not ever going to be or feel normal again, whatever normal is. It's been years and I don't see anything changing. My mum would be so mad right now if she knew my thoughts. Maybe she does. If she does, then I'm sorry mum but I'm struggling. I'm nowhere near as good a person as you. You were, and always will be, a much better person than me. You are my mum and I love and miss you every single day.

Break down

I had the biggest breakdown I've had in a long time yesterday. The emotions were so raw and powerful that I literally was beside myself. I don't know if my earlier mental health appointment sparked it but I can't go through that again so I'm going to discharge myself in an effort to avoid another bad episode. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't feel I'm ever going to be normal. I keep thinking of ways to finish it all and I came so close last night. I had the biggest argument I have ever had with my youngest last night and today I just feel so down and drained. I don't know that I can cope much longer. Yesterday was a bad day that brought bad news and I lost it completely. Everything is overwhelming me and I can't see a way out. Other than finishing it all. Everyone will be so much better off without me around.