Nerves

Been suffering with my nerves for so long now that I don't know how I get through each day. Nobody actually knows how bad I am, I cover it up with jokes and acting 'normal' when really, what I feel inside contradicts what I display on the outside. I don't know how to deal with things most the time and I seem to have forgotten what 'normal' feels like. I feel like I'm on some elevated level, a coping mechanism. Hard to explain. Like I'm close to descending into some mad, crazy place where I'm unable to function properly and all my emotions totally overwhelm me. Not that I function too great at the best of times, seem to have lost that ability but every day threatens to send me even lower. I'm being tested. To see how much I can take but the thing is, it won't stop, even when I'm at the point of not being able to take anymore, it will just carry on testing me. I hate being at that point. I don't know what to do with myself and often end up doing something stupid. Can only hope, despite all the months, years I've been struggling, it will all come to an end one day. Whatever 'end' means.

Love you mum

Thinking of you so much mum. I can't adequately express in words how much I miss you. I think I'm operating by denying the extent of my loss because it is too much for me to cope with by facing up to my huge loss. Nothing is the same and nor will it ever be. I feel such sadness, sadness I never knew could hit so deep. Whenever I try to face up to my loss, I get a sense of panic, a feeling of pure helplessness and it feels like a huge wave that's going to swallow me up. I have never cried so much in my life. If only tears could bring you back, if only I could will you back. I hope I'm being a good daughter, I know I mess up sometimes, I know I do, but I'm trying my best. I know you are still here, in a different way, I know you look over us. I feel you. I feel you inside me and I feel you around me. Thank you. I miss you so much and love you forever and ever, nothing can ever take that away xxx

Bad day

Today has been one of the worst days of my life. Obviously it comes nowhere near losing my dear beloved mum, whom I need so very much right now, but as bad days go, this one has got to be near the top 5. I hate that I'm so weak. I wish more than anything I had my mum to talk to. If my mum was looking over me today then I hate knowing I must have caused her so much anguish. I'm sorry mum. I'd swap places with you in a heartbeat and I also know you'd hate me saying that but it's the truth. You had so much to live for. I miss you so much, more than you could ever imagine.
Everyone keeps saying tomorrow is another day and it will be better than this one but it won't change anything, my circumstances remain unchanged. No one understands just how low I am. Makes me feel I can't talk to them because they won't take my feelings seriously. I don't want tomorrow, I want nothing. Just nothing.

Sad

I'm missing my mum so much. I'm really feeling my loss like it was just yesterday. I'd give anything to have her back. I love you mum xxx