Missing you

Missing you so much mum. I go to call you to tell you about things but then realise I can't. I know you hear me talking to you in other ways but I will never get used to not being able to talk to you in person. I miss you as much now as I did three months ago, that will never go away. How can it. It can't. It still doesn't feel real, losing you. Maybe it never will. I miss you more than words can say, you are in my thoughts every single day just like I know you will be with every time passing day. As each day passes, it just brings me closer to being reunited with you. You're my mum. I need my mum. You never stop needing or wanting your mum and I want/need you so bad. It's not the same anymore, we're all falling apart without you. Love you so much xxx

Dreaming

Last night, my beautiful mum spoke to me in my dream. Love my mum so much. I feel comforted this morning. I have been twisting my head that more could have been done and maybe there could have but my mum spoke to me last night, told me that she was too poorly and sooner or later, she was going to have to depart. I feel her. I feel her all around me and it's been a while since I felt that so I'm eternally grateful my mum has made her presence known again. Maybe she has been making her presence known but I just missed the signs. I love you mum xxx

Struggling

Struggling with life in general today. The wrong person went when my mum went. Don't have anyone to talk to. Everyone is too busy arguing with the next person. I wish I could just disappear, simply vanish into thin air. Things are rubbish between myself and my partner, family divided and everything else is just falling apart. Why does life continue to throw shit at you when you're already down? Where's the let up? I don't see one. The only one I see is apparently 'selfish'. It's not others having to deal with my struggles day in day out. One day.

Sorry

I'm sorry mum, I haven't been to see your headstone yet, I just can't bring myself to go. I just know I'm going to be a mess. I'm a mess many days and nights without you so I should just go. I promise to go soon, I will take you some beautiful flowers. I shouldn't be doing that. Losing you hasn't got any easier, if anything, it's got harder. I'm not coping great and I'm awful to live with. Your grandkids deserve medals! I am trying though. I still can't comprehend losing you. Nothing is the same anymore. I can't help but feel we could have done more to save you but we didn't. Why not? Why just go on the word of a Dr? They have been known to get things wrong many times and I wish like crazy that me and your other daughters pushed and pushed for more to be done, you could still be here. I have to live with that now, words cannot express how sad and regretful I now feel. I just want you back. I can't wait til we're together again. I really can't. Hopefully in the not too distant future. I love you so much xxxxxxxxx

Sad

Been very up and down last couple of weeks. Just so glad shitty Christmas and new year's is out of the way. Every little thing has been setting me off. None of it means anything without my mum. Very sad going into 2016 when my mum didn't make it. I still don't know how I'm getting by. Life is so fking unfair. It holds true that the good people get taken early because I read every day of atrocities carried out by evil people and they're still here. Why? Surely they are the ones who deserve to die? Why do they live on yet my mum didn't? Someone fking answer me that!! I want to know. I'm gonna end this right here cos I'm not coping too well and I'm just making myself worse. I love you mum xxx

Fed up

Feel so down. Feeling very tearful tonight and can't shake it. I wish my mum was here to talk to because you're never too old to need your mum. There's no other person quite like her and my mum was amazing. Superwoman. How she coped with us six girls I don't know. She's a better woman than I will ever be. The thought of not being able to go to her when things get tough is awful because she should still be here. Or if there's ever any happy news, I can't share it with her, at least, not in the way I used to. Nothing is the same anymore, my whole world's been permanently changed and it's so hard. Don't ask me how I'm getting through each day because I don't know. All I know is that I'm merely existing, getting through each day as they come. Somehow. I think I'm still in denial somewhat, it helps me get through the days, I can rarely fully acknowledge the full extent of my loss. I wish it was me that had gone and not my mum. Frustrates me that it wasn't that way round, my mum was a fighter, she wanted to live, and now, well, she is here but in a different form. I want her back how she was though. So I can hug her, kiss her, go out together. This world is a horrible cruel place to be!

Christmas is here

And I've been dreading it. It's not the same without mum, its lost any excitement that I may have once had for it. Nothing is the same anymore, end of. Meaning has been lost to pretty much everything. I should not be going down the cemetery to give you your card, it's unthinkable but yet, it is my reality. How did that happen? The huge void inside of me will always be there, forever and ever. Just want my mum back so bad. Can't wait for Xmas to be done with. Missing you more than you could ever imagine, mum, and I love you so much xxx