What to do

Don't know what to do with myself lately. I'm fat, ugly, bloated, you name it, I'm it. Feeling dead to the world. Feeling the loss of my mum acutely. Don't know how to deal with the emotions, just makes me want to be with her more and more. Life is nothing but one long, or not so long for some people, hard cruel bitch. How am I even still here, living, without my mum? I'm starting to have thoughts of ending it all creeping into my mind. I can't see any way out of the rut I'm in. Keep asking myself will this all pass? Not the feelings of grief, they will never pass but will my purpose in life return? Can I get though this and be glad I didn't end it all? I don't know. But with each passing day, the thoughts of ending it all become a bit more real and I'm not sure if I'm going to act on them. I don't want to die but I also don't want my life to just be an existence, if that was the case, I'd rather just die. I wish I could predict the future, to see if it's worth hanging around for. I'm not convinced. Will just try to take each day as it comes and deal with it as well as I can.

Irritable

I hate night times. I dread them. Don't know what to do with myself, it's like I've lost the ability to relax. I wish, for just one night, I could experience what it is like to have my mind free from all thoughts and my body relaxed instead of tense. I feel like I must be doing something all the time and to not stop. I don't know what I can do to change that. Just have to wait for tablets to kick in once I've taken them and get some blessed sleep. The only time I get any release from it.

Rubbish day

The day anything runs smoothly in my life I think I'll down a bottle of wine in one to celebrate. Hell, whenever small victories are won I feel so out of sorts, like a fish out of water that I can't enjoy the good bits. At all. Just waiting for something bad to come along and inevitably it does. I guess some of us are put on this earth just to have our patience, sanity, whatever, tried. Avoiding social media a bit. Seeing people happy and enjoying life makes me feel even more down. I do try to help myself, to make my life better instead of whinging and whining about how hard done by I am but when you're in a dark place it's so hard to climb out of it, especially when it's knock back after knock back. What is the point in even trying? People are pissing me off. I just want to run and hide somewhere, somewhere with no human habitation. I once thought my family, my siblings to be specific, was invincible, nothing could break us but oh how I was wrong. I'm not being used anymore. They can all go about their daily lives without me in it. So done with them. I don't have any parents, my beautiful mum has passed on and I miss her so much. As for my father, he only bothers with a select few of his daughters, some of them just out for what they can get regardless of how it makes others feel. So, I have no father. Never again will we see each other. If something happens to me I do not want him running to me, too late then. Likewise, should something happen to him, it is nothing to do with me. Feel sad it's this way, deeply, but I can't deal with him anymore. I have to move on. No one is treating me badly without any consequences. I think that's half my problem, have let people take the piss out of me for so long that I can no longer tolerate it. In future, there's one chance and if that chance gets blown then we're done. I need to talk to my mum, I need to tell her how things are but I can't. If I could change things, I would swap places with my darling mum. She didn't deserve to die. Can't deal with it. Don't want to be here yet people make you out to be selfish if you take your own life but it's my bloody life and if I no longer want to live this pitiful life anymore then I won't! Selfish of others to expect you to carry on your misery. Very selfish. I just want to be left alone. By everything and everyone!