New perspective

Many times I am consumed with thoughts of how to kill myself. Quick and painless. Maybe I can take the pain, mind over matter, just see it as a superficial thing. One of the lead characters in the book I'm reading cut his arms. Three deep cuts vertically along each arm and just waited. I don't know that I could do that. There would be too much time to think, perhaps regretting making those cuts. I don't know if I want to really die, I just need my life to stop being how it is. I've pushed everyone away, every single person apart from my kids and other than them I have no one. I have cut myself off from everyone and evidently, not one of my five sisters are able to see that I am struggling and may say or do things I do not mean. For the most part, I just block them out, somehow stop myself from feeling anything towards them. I don't want them in my life anymore. As for my father, we are through too. I am on my own and I need to make a fresh start away from everyone. My father is not someone to be proud of. Since my precious darling mum passed, I have faced up to what my father did to my mum and I want my mum here so bad so that I can, for the first time, fully acknowledge what he did to her face to face. I still feel very bitter that my mum was taken, makes no sense, not at all. I want and need her so bad it hurts. My beautiful mum. A mum who gave up lots to solely care for her six girls which I know can't have been easy but that was my mum, she coped, got on with it. I just wish I had an ounce of her strength and determination. Nothing has been the same since my mum passed and nor will be. Ever. My next step is to be with her again. I know my kids will grieve awfully for me but I will leave them a letter each begging them to not spend their lives mourning me, that I want them to be happy and I will forever be looking down on them. I will still be there but in a different way. I know it won't stop their feelings of sadness but even if it was to give a tiny bit of comfort it'll be worth leaving them a letter. I don't know when or how it's going to happen, I just know it will. I just need to condition my mind to not be afraid. There are worse things in life; Living a sad, lonely, pointless existence.

So down

I have felt extremely down today and suicide has crossed my mind a lot. I've pushed everyone away and now I have just my kids. No one else. I love my kids and they're not 'just my kids' but they are literally all I have now. I guess I was right all along, I'm a hard person to like and to be with. No one is there for me. I don't want to carry on like this anymore and all I can think about is putting an end to it all. I don't want my kids burying me and forcing them through the same grief I am going through from burying my dear beloved mum but I can't see any way out of this rut. I'm really not someone worth saving. I have no purpose other than to exist for my kids, to save them from mourning me. I don't even talk anymore. Not unless I have to. Most of the time I just want to be left alone and not utter a single word. I can't see life getting any better. I'm going to die anyway, I have to go through that morbid act so what does it matter if I go through it sooner? At least I'll be out of my misery and back with my mum. Since losing my mum nothing has been the same and nor will it ever be. How can it be? Losing such a huge person in your life will change it forever. I want my mum back so bad. I still even now can't believe she's passed on, I don't think I ever will. I know my mum would be mortified by what I've written in this post and would be doing all she could to stop me acting on this impulse. A few times I have tried to take my life and every single time my mum was at the hospital with me, sitting by my side, showing she cared with her presence. Now, if I fail again, I won't have my mum by my side, she won't be there. I feel so lost without her, I can't imagine my mum not ever being there. If I succeed in leaving this horrid, cruel world then I will be back by mum mum's side and to never leave again.