Missing you

Missing you so much mum. I go to call you to tell you about things but then realise I can't. I know you hear me talking to you in other ways but I will never get used to not being able to talk to you in person. I miss you as much now as I did three months ago, that will never go away. How can it. It can't. It still doesn't feel real, losing you. Maybe it never will. I miss you more than words can say, you are in my thoughts every single day just like I know you will be with every time passing day. As each day passes, it just brings me closer to being reunited with you. You're my mum. I need my mum. You never stop needing or wanting your mum and I want/need you so bad. It's not the same anymore, we're all falling apart without you. Love you so much xxx

Dreaming

Last night, my beautiful mum spoke to me in my dream. Love my mum so much. I feel comforted this morning. I have been twisting my head that more could have been done and maybe there could have but my mum spoke to me last night, told me that she was too poorly and sooner or later, she was going to have to depart. I feel her. I feel her all around me and it's been a while since I felt that so I'm eternally grateful my mum has made her presence known again. Maybe she has been making her presence known but I just missed the signs. I love you mum xxx

Struggling

Struggling with life in general today. The wrong person went when my mum went. Don't have anyone to talk to. Everyone is too busy arguing with the next person. I wish I could just disappear, simply vanish into thin air. Things are rubbish between myself and my partner, family divided and everything else is just falling apart. Why does life continue to throw shit at you when you're already down? Where's the let up? I don't see one. The only one I see is apparently 'selfish'. It's not others having to deal with my struggles day in day out. One day.

Sorry

I'm sorry mum, I haven't been to see your headstone yet, I just can't bring myself to go. I just know I'm going to be a mess. I'm a mess many days and nights without you so I should just go. I promise to go soon, I will take you some beautiful flowers. I shouldn't be doing that. Losing you hasn't got any easier, if anything, it's got harder. I'm not coping great and I'm awful to live with. Your grandkids deserve medals! I am trying though. I still can't comprehend losing you. Nothing is the same anymore. I can't help but feel we could have done more to save you but we didn't. Why not? Why just go on the word of a Dr? They have been known to get things wrong many times and I wish like crazy that me and your other daughters pushed and pushed for more to be done, you could still be here. I have to live with that now, words cannot express how sad and regretful I now feel. I just want you back. I can't wait til we're together again. I really can't. Hopefully in the not too distant future. I love you so much xxxxxxxxx

Sad

Been very up and down last couple of weeks. Just so glad shitty Christmas and new year's is out of the way. Every little thing has been setting me off. None of it means anything without my mum. Very sad going into 2016 when my mum didn't make it. I still don't know how I'm getting by. Life is so fking unfair. It holds true that the good people get taken early because I read every day of atrocities carried out by evil people and they're still here. Why? Surely they are the ones who deserve to die? Why do they live on yet my mum didn't? Someone fking answer me that!! I want to know. I'm gonna end this right here cos I'm not coping too well and I'm just making myself worse. I love you mum xxx