Feeling lost

How can life carry on when the person who gave you life and was your life, has passed on? I am merely existing with no purpose anymore. I miss my mum more and more each day and the frustration of knowing that nothing is going to bring her back is more than I can bear. I wish I had gone instead. Or at least, have gone with her. Even now I wonder if we did enough. Did we not fight for life as much as we should have? Should we have not taken the Drs at their word and fought for further action? It torments me so much. I'd give anything to go back and change things. When I did voice my opinion, I got shouted down by nearly everyone and I felt I was being unreasonable insisting more be done but I wish I had. The guilt I carry is awful and the fact I never took mum's hospital bag to the hospital when she had asked me to leaves me with even more guilt. I bet she was thinking that I didn't bring it up because I knew she was going to pass on but after the call from the hospital I just rushed up there but it wouldn't have taken long to have grabbed her bag, it would have given my mum some comfort, that she will need it. But no, I didn't take it and I arrived at the hospital empty handed. I'm so sorry mum. You asked for it straight away and u felt awful. Did I think you were going to pass on? Is that why I didn't take it? I can't bear it.
I'm never going to hear your voice again. Never going to cook you a meal, or ask about your health, make you coffee, take you shopping, go bingo, all of what we used to do. It's so hard. My only consolation is that I will be with you again one day in hopefully the not too distant future. I don't like life anymore.

Life just isn't the same

I miss my mum so much. This gaping hole inside of me is going to stay with me forever. It can never be filled because the only person that can fill it is my mum and obviously that's not possible. I hate this world so much. It's so cruel and hard. Since when did good people deserve to pass on early? Again, I ask you, what did my mum ever do? My mum is going to miss out on so much. Any family gatherings are going to be horrible because the most important person won't be there. Not in physical form anyway. I really don't know how to deal with my loss.

Hitting home

Today has really hit home the enormity of my loss today, of my precious mum. The best you could ever hope to have. Driving past the chemo unit was like a punch right in the stomach for she should still be having her chemo. I then visited my mum's place of rest & that was it, my heart just broke into a million pieces again and the pain was as deep and raw as ever. How am I supposed to live with this? Why did God take my mum? Why couldn't he have taken me he had to have taken someone? Or better still, someone that had done wrong, like, say, a murderer, someone that deserved to go! What did my mum ever do? What did she do? Why was she taken? Why? I need to know. She can't have been taken for no reason at all, there must be a reason, for her to be taken for no reason at all makes her passing even more cruel. Please someone, anyone, tell me why my mum was taken. I can't handle this pain. Some days I cope by denying everything just to get by but sooner or later it all comes crashing down on me like it did at the cemetery today. Walking towards my mum at the cemetery. Cemetery. Why? Why is she there? I want my mum back. Don't care about anything else I just want her back!

Busy

Been trying to keep busy to stop myself from thinking too much. Now though I feel like I've pushed my mum away but I really haven't. I'm willing her presence right now and I'm sure I feel her. My mum will always be with me, no matter where I am. Lately, I've been trying to block everything out just so that I can get through the day but I know this won't last forever and nor do I want it to. The enormity of my loss is simply too much for my brain to get round so for the most part it still doesn't feel real. I don't want to accept what has happened, I want things to go back to how they were. Life means nothing anymore.

Anxious

I'm in a really dark mood tonight. Feel so on edge that something really bad is going to happen. It started last night and is still going. It was stronger last night than tonight; tonight I feel generally more anxious and jittery, like there is something fizzy running through my veins across my whole body. I wish it would let up because it feels like a precursor to a huge mood swing. I go crazy when I have those, how I haven't been locked up yet I don't know.
Having serious relationship problems with my boyfriend, if indeed, he still is. I feel so alone and he can't even be bothered to come be with me, yet, he's happy enough spending plenty of time with his frickin' neighbour. What has to happen in my life for him to put me first? The worst thing in my life has now happened to me so obviously nothing will make him act as a caring partner.
I am not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I'm falling apart but no one can see it. By time they do, it will probably be too late.

Missing my mum

I miss my mum so much. Why was she taken from me? I wish I could rewind a few years back to when my darling mum was cancer free & for my mum to live her life as she should have done! She was such a good person and she had to put up with so much. Evil people live longer! What is with that?! Why take my mum when there are people out there that actually deserve to die?! My mum didn't deserve it. She deserved better, far better! I hate this horrible cold world. It's nothing without my mum in it. To think if I lived another 20 years it's 20 years without my mum, I can't do it.

Falling apart

I would give anything to have you back here mum. I'm sorry for the fall out between me and one of your other daughters, and I'm also sorry if I spoke out of turn but I'm struggling. I don't want to know a world without you in it. I know you would want your six girls to remain tightly knit but there are issues still going on from when you were here and I feel you're being let down. Not just by them but by me too and that's the bit I really care about, my behaviour. Others can worry about theirs but I can only worry about mine and I'm sorry that there is now a rift. We're letting you down and I'm so sorry. I'm falling apart. I want you back so so bad. I hope you are with nan and grandad, that they are once again looking after you, I too one day soon will be joining you. That much I can guarantee xxx